Gninr OF Miss Sue Dunbar
1
r<xr V; es TVcxvx c es
DOMESTIC DUTIES;
OE,
INSTRUCTIONS
TO
YOUXG MARRIED LADIES,
ON THE
MANAGEMENT OF THEIR HOUSEHOLDS, AND THE REGULATION
OF THEIR CONDUCT IN THE VARIOUS RELATIONS
AND DUTIES OF
MARRIED "LIFE,
BY MRS. WILLIAM PARKES.
Every wise woman buildeth her house ; bnt the foolish plucketh it dowj;
with her hands Who can find a virtuous woman ? for her price is far
above rubies Her children arise up and call her blessed ; her husbam!
also, and he praiseth her —Proverbs.
HIIRO AMERICAN FROM THE THIRD LONDON EDITION, WITH
NOTES AND ALTERATIONS ADAPTED TO THE
AMERICAN READER.
PRINTED BY J. &• J. HARPER, 82 CLIFF-ST.
jld by Collins & Hannay, Collins fc Co., Wm. B. Gilley, and G. & L Carvill :— Boston, Richardson & Lord, Milliard, Gray, & Co., Bowles * Dearborn, and Crocker & Brewster ;— Hartford, Cook fc Co., and D, P. Robinson & Co.
1839.
Southern District of New- York, 55.
BE IT REMEMBERED, That on the 25th day of November, A. D. 1838, in the fifty-third year of the Independence of the United States of America, J. & J. HARPER, of the said District, have deposited in this office the title- of a Book, the right whereof they claim as Proprietors, in the words follow- ing, to wit :
" Domestic Duties ; or, Instructions to young married Ladies, on the man- agement of their households, and the regulation of their conduct in the various relations and duties of Married Life. By Mrs. William Parkes.
" ' Every wise woman buildeth her house ; hut the foolish plucketh it down
with her hands Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far
above rubies Her children arise up and call her blessed; her hush an-1
also, and he praiseth her.'— Proverbs.
" First American from the third London edition, with notes and alterations adapted to the American reader."
In conformity to the Act of the Congress of the United States, entitled "An Act for the encouragement of learning, by securing the copies of maps, charts, and books, to the authors and proprietors of such copies, during t\e times therein mentioned." And also to an act, entitled ''An Act, supplementary to an act, entitled An Act for the encouragement of learning, by securing tho copies of maps, charts, and books, to the authors and proprietors of such ( opies, during the times therein mentioned, and extending the benefits thereof to flic arts of fosignlnj, engraving, and etching historical and other prints.".
FRED. J. BETTS, Clerk of (he Southern District of JVeio-Yark.
fla*
n
ADVERTISEMENT TO THE THIRD AMERICAN EDITION.
THE " Domestic Duties'" of Mrs. Parkes are addressed to married ladies, and particularly those who have recently enter- ed upon the cares of a family, detailing the various duties of the married life. These are all embraced under the several heads of Social Relations, Household Concerns, Regulation of Time, Moral and Religious Duties, each of which forms a part or grand division of the work, branching out into numerous minor subdivisions. The author appears to be an experi- enced matron, who, in the form of a friendly conversation with her young married friend, gives her an insight into all the du- ties of housekeeping. As much of our happiness depends upon our domestic comforts, this volume cannot be otherwise than interesting to all young people, who are, or who intend to be married ; and to such it is confidently recommended.
The publishers are happy to state, that the rapid sale of the work in this country, clearly evinces that its merits are duly appreciated. Notwithstanding it has been before the Ameri- can public but a few weeks, two editions have been sold during that short time, and this, being the third, is now called for.
Were any other evidence required, of the intrinsic value of the work, than is presented by its rapid and extensive sales, numerous testimonials in its favour might be selected from the many respectable literary journals which have recommended it ; but these are deemed unnecessary — and only one or two will be added.
" The volume before us is one of those practical works, which are of real value and utility. It is a perfect vade mecum for the young married lady, who may resort to it on all qwes-
IV ADVERTISEMENT.
tione of household economy and etiquette.. ..There is nothing
omitted with which it behooves a lady to be acquainted."
New Monthly Magazine.
" We consider ' Domestic Duties' a very valuable work, and well calculated to promote the object for which it was intended. It is one that we most cheerfully recommend to all young housewives, and to all who intend becoming so. There are very few whose education has been so complete as that they will not find much both novel and useful in this volume, written in a clear and agreeable style, and luminously arranged. It ought to occupy a place in every lady's library." — The Critic.
" This book contains an amount of useful and interesting information rarely to be met with. ...It ought to be included in the marriage portion of every lady." — Chronicle of the Times.
"Among the many intellectual treats which have recently been spread before the public, there has been none combining so many useful lessons as the present work contains. It is the ladies' vade mecum, in which every department of domestic duties, of manners, temper, accomplishments, deportment, the culinary art, visiting, dress, treatment of children, &c. &c. are embodied in the most pleasing manner, and in the most familiar style." — Enquirer.
Te these notices might be added many more equally flatter- ing ; but, for reasons already stated, they are deemed super- fluous. To the present edition is added a copious Index, which materially enchances the value of tho work.
J.&J.H.
New- York, January, 1829.
TABLE OF CONTENTS.
INTRODUCTORY Remarks 9
PART I. SOCIAL RELATIONS.
CONVERSATION I. Preliminary Sketch, &c 13
CONVERSATION II. On the conduct to be observed towards former friends ; On new friendships ; Correspondence ; Confidence, £c 17
CONVERSATION III. New Acquaintances ; Choice of; De- scription of People to be avoided ; Gossiping ; Scan- dal; Flattery 33
CONVERSATION IV. Conduct to Relations ; Advice from ; when and how to be received ; wnen to be rejected ; The good Opinion of Relations essential to Happiness. 39
CONVERSATION V. On Temper, as connected with social Relationship towards a Husband, Children, Servants, and Society 46
CONVERSATION VI. Forms of visiting ; Morning Calls ; Dinner Parties ; Evening Parties 52
CONVERSATION VII. Economy ; Dress and expensive Tastes ; Collections of Works of Art ; Old China ; Liberality ; Benevolence ; Presents ; Fashion ... 89
PART II. HOUSEHOLD CONCERNS.
CONVERSATION I. Servants ; Number ; Choice of; Food of; Management of; Conduct to; Indulgences to; The Importance of Example in fixing their moral and religious Habits ; Suitableness of Dress in Servants ; Wages; Gifts from Visitors ; Qualifications required in a House-keeper ; A Cook ; A Housemaid ; A Nursery Maid ; A Laundress ; A Footman ; A Porter ; Method of hiring Servants, whether from private Families or Register Offices ; Giving and receiving Characters . . 107
VI CONTENTS.
Page
CONVERSATION II. The Nursery 149
CONVERSATION III. Clothes and Family Linen .... 157
CONVERSATION IV. Furniture 16fc
CONVERSATION V. Supply of Provisions ; Marketing ; Personally; by Servants; Books to be kept with Trades- men ; Provisions which are not of a perishable Nature are most advantageously purchased in large Quantities; Stores; Distribution personally or under a Housekeeper; Confectionary ; Preserves ; Pickles ; Comparative Ad- vantage of making these at Home, and purchasing them ; Wine Cellar ; Fruit Room ; Cookery Books ; when to be implicitly followed, when modified . . .191 CONVERSATION VI. Health and Disease ; Management of every branch of the Family in order to maintain the former ; Personal Sickness ; Sickness of Husband ; of Children ; of Servants ; Precautions in Contagions ; Infectious and contagious Diseases ; Medical Attend- ants ; Sick Nurses ; Cookery for the Sick Room ; Pre- parations for the Lying-in Room ; Monthly Nurses ; Management of a Child in the Month ; Remarks on Vaccination . . . , •."•••' 219
PART m.
REGULATION OF TIME.
CONVERSATION I. General Remarks ; Morning ; Advan- tages of Early Rising ; Habit makes it easy and agree- able; The first morning Duty private Devotion; Morn- ing the best time for Study ; for the Regulation of Household affairs ; the Settlement of Accounts ; the Instruction of Children ; Much Time saved by sketch- ing out a regular Plan for the Business of the Day . . 307
CONVERSATION II. Afternoon ; Occupations at Home ; Light Reading ; Drawing ; Music ; Light and orna- mental Needlework ; Folly of neglecting these Accom- plishments in the married State ; Occupations out of ^ Doors ; Exercise ; Visiting ; Seeing Sights ; Shopping 318
CONVERSATION III. Evening at Home without Company ; Conversation; Work; Amusement; At Home with Company; Music; Dancing; Games; Cards; Chess, &c. ; Abroad ; General Conduct ; Familiarities ; Ease of Manner ; Bringing out Daughters 328
CONVERSATION IV. On the Danger and Disappointment attending a mere Pursuit of Pleasure and Amusement ; The opposite Extreme to be also avoided ; The Claims
CONTENTS. Vll
Pago
of Society may in general be attended to, without any Infringement of higher Duties ...» 336
PART IV. MORAL AND RELIGIOUS DUTIES.
CONVERSATION I. Principles of Conduct ; Sincerity; Ma- noeuvring ; Precepts ; Example ; Suspicion once at- tached to the Female Character, irremediable ; Forti- tude under Misfortune ; Resignation ; Widowhood ; Old Age ; Making a Will 3-49
CONVERSATION II. Religious Duties ; Private Devotion ; Family Worship ; Attending Church ; Visiting the Sick; Charitable Institutions ; Death Beds 381
DOMESTIC DUTIES,
INTRODUCTORY REMARKS.
How great is the change which is instantly effected in the situation of a woman, by the few solemn words pro- nounced at the altar ! She, who the moment before was, without authority or responsibility, a happy, perhaps a careless, member of one family, finds herself, as if by magic, at the head of another, and involved in duties of the highest importance. If she possess good sense, her earnest wish will be, to act with propriety in her new sphere. Many, no doubt, by previous judicious instruc- tion, assisted by their own observations, are well prepared to sustain their part with judgment and temper ; but some there are whose situations, or whose dispositions, have led them into other pursuits ; and who, consequently, find themselves, as soon as they are married, without that infor- mation and those principles of action by which their future conduct ought to be governed. For the guidance of these the following pages are intended.
The married and single state equally demand the ex- ercise and improvement of the best qualities of the heart and the mind. Sincerity, discretion, a well-governed temper, forgetfulness of self, charitable allowance for the frailty of human nature, are all requisite in both conditions. But the single woman being, in general, responsible for
10 INTRODUCTORY REMARKS
her own conduct solely, is chiefly required to cultivate passive qualities. To fall easily into the domestic cur- rent of regulations and habits ; to guard with care against those attacks of caprice and ill humour which might dis- turb its course ; to assist, rather than to take the lead, in all family arrangements, are among her duties ; while the married woman, in whose hands are the happiness and welfare of others, is called upon to lead, to regulate, and to command. She has to examine every point in the new situation into which she is transplanted ; to cultivate in herself, and to encourage in her husband, rational and domestic tastes, which may prove sources of amusement in every stage of their iives, and particularly at the latter period, when other resources shall have lost their power to charm. She has to proportion, not as in the single state, her own personal expenses merely, but the whole expenditure of her household to the income which she is now to command ; and in this part of her duty there is often exercise for self-denial as well as for judgment. The condition of her husband may require her to aban- don, not only habits of expense, but even those of gene- rosity. It may demand from her a rigid adherence to economy, neither easy nor pleasant, when contrary habits and tastes have, under more liberal circumstances, been fixed and cultivated. Such alterations in habit may at first be regarded as sacrifices, but, in the end, they will meet their compensation in the satisfaction which always results from the^onsciousness of acting with propriety and consistency. Sometimes, however, the means of in- dulging liberal and generous propensities are extended by marriage. Where this is the case, that extreme atten- tion to economy, which circumscribes the expenditure very much within the boundaries of the income, would betray a narrow and mean spirit, and would have the effect to abridge the blessings which by affluence may be dispensed around.
INTRODUCTORY REMARKS. 11
No woman should place herself at the head of a family without feeling the importance of the character which she has to sustain. Her example alone may afford better in- struction than either precepts or admonitions, both to her children and servants. By a " daily beauty" in her life, she may present a model by which all around her will insensibly mould themselves. "Knowledge is power" only when it fits us for the station in which we find our- selves placed ; then it gives decision to character ; and every varying circumstance of life is met with calmness, for the principle to act upon is at hand ; then we are pre- pared either to add our share to the amusement and inte- rest of general society, or to lend our strength, on the de- mand of our nearest ties, to support, comfort, or instruct. Duty will not be an appalling word to those whose minds are properly framed. Indeed, they who have made it the rule of their lives, have found it also the source of their happiness ; while, in others, the consciousness 01 having neglected its precepts, has corroded every power of en- joyment.
As dialogue admits of great latitude in detail, the author has taken advantage of that form to convey the following remarks to her reader, whom she supposes to be a young and inexperienced house-keeper, and uninformed in all the minutiae of domestic management. To such only she ven- tures to offer her work, as a basis upon which good sense, when aided by experience, may afterwards establish a more complete and perfect system of Domestic Ditty.
PART L
SOCIAL RELATIONS
CONVERSATION I.
PRELIMINARY SKETCH OF THE OBLIGATIONS OF MARRIED LIFE.
MRS. L. — Since the ceremony which you, my dear Madam, lately witnessed, and which was the commence- ment of a new era in my life, I am become aware of my ignorance in regard to the obligations now incumbent on me as a married woman. To your experience I refer for instruction regarding the extent and nature of my new duties, and the best mode of discharging them.
MRS. B. — It may be well to give you, at first, a sketch of your new situation, which shall include a range oi duty, belonging, not to you individually, but to married women in the great bulk of society, of those who are nol members of either of the extreme ranks of the commu- nity, the highest and the lowest, but who have in common certain obligations and duties to discharge, which arr varied, by the fortuitous circumstances of rank and for- tune, more in degree than in number. For instance, and in the first place, every woman by marriage is placed at the head of a family, and in some degree or other acquires importance in society. This circumstance, alone, imposes on her an obligation to frame her conduct so as to render ij at least irreproachable in the eyes of others, if not a
OBLIGATIONS OF MARRIED LIFE. 13
model for imitation. In a greater or less number she has dependents around her, not only expecting to derive from her comfort and prosperity, but unconsciously regulating their conduct by hers, and imbibing from her precepts and opinions favourable or otherwise to their morals. She may have, in the course of time, a family of children around her— to them she ought to appear as an infallible guide and example ; untarnished by habits, which, in their influence, would affect, prejudicially, the character of youth, and incapable of uttering sentiments in any way injurious to the cause of virtue.
In the next place, a woman increases, by her marriage . her family-ties and relationships. These give her new friendships to cultivate, and to cement with esteem and affection — while those previously formed are still to be preserved and maintained. This is by no means an un- important point of attention ; for the happiness of many a married couple has been materially affected by injudi- cious conduct towards both new and old connections. Jealousies and petty family-feuds spring from this source, and diminish the respectability, as well as the comfort of domestic life ; to avert them needs only the exercise of good sense and good temper.
The mistress of a family has, too, the power, generally, of being the spring of its movements, and the regulator of its habits. Exerting this power properly, she sees around her every one obedient to the laws of order and regularity. The laborious parts of household occupations are all performed without unnecessary pressure, and the consequent comfort is felt by the whole family, and espe- cially shown in the satisfied countenances of those who perform the work. They, knowing exactly their daily task, can by diligence earn for themselves periods of relaxation and rest, which would be completely lost but for the regularity prevailing throughout the family ar- rangements. Where this is neglected, discontent arid
14 PRELIMINARY SKETCH OF THE
ill-humour have constant exciting causes in the confusion and discomfort which pervade the family.
Another point of duty, which usually devolves on the married woman, and which demands the constant exercise of judgment and prudence, is, the expenditure of that portion of income allotted to household exigences. Here judgment should direct and determine her to a just division of that sum between luxuries and essentials : prudence should secure her adherence to that division, and should regulate all the minutiae of her expenditure. Extravagance and inattention to this branch of domestic management would be destructive of the comfort of almost every fa- mily, and perhaps fatal to its prosperity.
The married woman has also obligations of society to discharge, which may be said to extend beyond the bounds of family connections and relationship : — she has to cultivate suitable acquaintance ; to perform the various offices of good neighbourhood ; to be social, friendly, and charitable.
In the last place, the married woman has duties to hei- self to perform. These regard the government of herself in temper ; in subjecting her mind and affections to her reason; in restraining and correcting propensities and habits prejudicial to the happiness of married life ; in the disposal of her time, the improvement of her mental powers, the cultivation of morality, and the duties of religion.
Of all these social, domestic, and personal obligations, her husband is the centre : when they are properly dis- charged, his welfare and happiness are certainly promoted ; and his esteem, affection, and confidence established on a permanent basis. In neglecting them, he is neglected, hi? respectability diminished, and his domestic peace and comfort destroyed.
MRS. L. — This is not a more enlarged view of the sub' ject than every married woman ought, I think, to take, and
OBLIGATIONS OP MARRIED LIFE. 15
yet how many pursue a plan of action on a far narrower scale. Some appear to enclose themselves, as it were, within the walls of their dwellings, and are scarcely sen- sible of any cares or duties beyond them.
MRS. B. — So limited a scope of action has a tendency to circumscribe the -powers of the mind, and even to con- tract the affections. « The mind, likewise, often exercises itself prejudicially, when not sufficiently employed in im- portant concerns. . Thus you may sometimes observe women of considerable powers occupied with needless anxieties; destroying health by solicitude to preserve it; fretful and anxious on the subject ot children, servants, and all the world ; and oftentimes self-willed and cap- tious, only for want of employment.
MRS. L. — There can be no doubt that home should contain the strongest affections of the wife and parent, and should be the seat of her vigilance and cares ; but I have yet to learn if these are sufficient to engage, exclu- sively, the heart and mind, and to close them against a larger field for their exercise and employment.
MRS. B. — Any extreme in conduct can rarely be neces- sary, and can as seldom be pursued without some injurious effect. There are instances, it is true, in which circum- stances demand devotedness to household concerns, and to maternal cares, and which render such a line of conduct highly praiseworthy. But those whose station and affluence enable them to command the service of others in household cares, are not to be commended if they tort through the duties their servants ought to perform. In doing this, they are led to neglect the more varied and extensive claims which are attached to their sphere of life, and thereby to diminish their value in society, and to render their characters, as a whole, imperfect.
MRS. L. — And yet, confined and unpleasing as such a character is, is it not preferable to one that pursues an opposite extreme ? — one who, selfishly, regardless of
16 OBLIGATIONS OF MARRIED LIFE.
family-duties, leads a life of dissipation and amusement . whose heart and soul are always in the world, and never at home ?
MRS. B. — Such a wife or mother is worthless. She neglects the chief and positive duties of life, without fulfilling those of a minor character with any good effect. At home her example is injurious, a»d if abroad she pos- sess any influence, it is merely of a temporary nature, resting, probably, on no surer ground than that of fashion. In portraying the beau-idtal of a married woman, I should describe one not absorbed in any single part, but attentive to the whole of life's obligations ; one who neglects nothing, — who regulates and superintends her household concerns ; attends to, watches over and guides her children, and yet is ever ready to consider, in mode- ration, the demands upon her tune, which the numerous and various claims of society may make. Such appear? to me to be a right sketch of the character of the married woman.
MRS. L. — This is not to be denied. And now may I repeat my request that you will enter into details with me. remembering my entire ignorance on most of the topics connected with the duties of my new character ?
MRS. B. — Willingly. And we will arrange and pursue our conversations by a regular plan, so that, considered together, they may form for you a system of Domestic Duty.
In our^rs* part, the claims of social life shall be dis- cussed. In this may be comprised all those which regard our friends, acquaintance, relations, husband, children, and servants.
In the second part, we will treat of the management of the house and household.
The third part may contain strictures on the disposal of time,— and the fourth and concluding portion of our system shall be confined to moral and religious duties.
17
CONVERSATION IL
ON THE CONDUCT TO BE OBSERVED TOWARDS FORMER FRIENDS AND CONNECTIONS. — ON THE FORMATION OF
NEW FRIENDSHIPS. — CORRESPONDENCE. CONFIDENCE,
&C.
MRS. L. — I have known some ladies who, after mar- riage, have abandoned most of their early friendships, and have known little more, through life, of those with whom they have passed the happiest and most innocent period of their existence. The plea in their extenuation was, that marriage, having placed them far above their former connections, rendered the continuance of such intimacies incompatible with those they were after marriage com- pelled to form. Under such circumstances, the nearest relations have in some instances experienced this neglect, and have been ungratefully overlooked by those on whom they had formerly bestowed kindness and attention. Can such conduct ever be expedient or necessary ?
MRS. B. — To give up ail intercourse with old friends merely because the chances of life have raised us so high as to make us ashamed of the condition to which they belong, and in which we were born, is indeed contempti- ble : such conduct proceeds from the vice of a low mind, and has been universally reprobated whenever it has dis- played itself; while an opposite conduct, because it evinces a nobler character, has always been as much the subject of general approbation and esteem. In such in- stances, the world has forgotten to apply the stigmatising epithet of upstart, the elevation of mind shown by the conduct having corresponded with the rank attained. Yet
I can imagine considerable difficulty attending the effort to 2*
18 CONDUCT TO BE OBSERVED
maintain an intimacy with both new and former connec- tions, where great inequality of rank separates them. This must be regarded as one of the inconveniences springing from an unequal marriage; for however strongly disposed any one who has formed such a marriage may be to show undeviating affection and respect to her own con- nections and relatives, she cannot compel others to enter as warmly into her feelings, and to act in unison with them. So that while striving, by every attention in her power, to prove the unchanged state of her feelings towards them, she may be exposing them to insult and humiliation from those over whose conduct and disposition she has no control.
Her husband, too, may be desirous of loosening the ties of her youth, and of drawing her completely away from her former rank : this may torment and distract her with opposing duties and inclinations. If the husband's in- fluence, in such cases, gains the day, we must not be sur- prised nor censure severely. Yet it must be confessed that there are few instances in which a woman is entirely deprived, by her marriage, of the power of proving tc her early friends the continuance of her attachmen* to them, and that forgetfulness and neglect of them are far more common than occasion can justify.
It is true, that, as the husband's happiness and welfare ought always to be, by the wife, primarily considered, she should not surround him with persons whose society is disagreeable to him, or whose friendship and intimacy he regards as injurious to his prospects and plans in life.
It is her duty to conform her conduct to all his reason- able wishes : he has raised her in rank, and if he desire to place her in all respects on an equality with himself, she cannot judiciously oppose him. She must, therefore, in a great measure, regulate her conduct, in regard to as- sociating with her former friends, by his wishes. Suppose her, however, willing to relinquish a very constant social
TOWARDS FORMER FRIENDS. 19
intercourse with them, to enjoy it only occasionally, and at those times most convenient and least annoying to her husband; suppose her, also, endeavouring to assimilate her manners as much as possible with her new associates, and cultivating intimacies agreeable to her husband, he has certainly reason to be satisiied, and ought not to demand any greater sacrifice, such as that of entirely abandoning former friendships. On the contrary, it' he have a true regard for her, and for her estimation in the world, he will rather urge her to preserve her name from the odium which the charge of ungrateful and neglectful behaviour towards the benefactors ot her youth would attach to it. He will encourage her to repay past kindness by every act of attention, and of generosity suitable with her pre- sent station. ,
MRS. L. — But supposing her husband unreasonable, and that he both demands and expects the sacrifice of her old friendships, would she be justified in yielding to his wisnes ?
MRS. B. — To one warmly attached to old friends, this would be most painful, and yet, if the husband should be peremptory on this point, there would be no alternative but submission. To contend with him on the subject would prove an evil precedent in the matrimonial annals, and to carry on concealed intercourse would, in the event of discovery, be a death-blow to the confidence and esteem of the husband. However painful it might be in such a case to yield, it would entail upon her fewer evils than any other line of conduct that can be suggested.
MRS. L. — There is another case in which an unequal marriage must affect former friendships ; — I mean, when a woman marries in a rank beneath her own. In this case, she it is who is sometimes forgotten, neglected, and deserted.
MRS. B. — This is an evil that such a marriage must always, in some degree or other, bring upon a woman.
20 CONDUCT TO BE OBSERVED
A man can place whom he marries in his own rank, pro- vided) indeed, that her general conduct be irreproachable ; but a woman, in marrying a man of a station inferior to her own, cannot extend to him a similar privilege. She has committed, as far as rank is concerned, an act of self- degradation, by marrying into a lower sphere. Into this she cannot reasonably expect her friends to follow her, and to submit to associate with those whom they may consider as far below them, not only in rank, but in man- ners, tastes, and information. She has taken a step in life, not perhaps reparable, but of which the inconveniences may be somewhat averted by judicious conduct ; such as conforming her mind in all things to her new condition, and rendering her habits and tastes consistent with it ; enduring without useless repining any deprivation of the luxuries to which she may have been accustomed, and which her present situation cannot afford her ; and, lastly, submitting to the desertion and neglect of her old friends without anger, while endeavouring to replace them with the most promising of those she may now have it in her power to cultivate.
Some good may be extracted out of every evil. This abandonment of her friends may give her a useful lesson. It may show her, that she was not valued so much on her own account as for outward circumstances ; and, while this consideration must lessen in her estimation the magni- tude of the loss of friendship she has sustained, it may also lead her in future to establish her intimacies on a more secure foundation — on that of intrinsic worth.
It were happy if the inconveniences I have named were all that a woman may experience by an inferior marriage. But very seldom, perhaps never, is she aware of the sacri- fices she may have to make in completely adapting herself to a mode of life, and to a society inferior to those she has quitted. Personal sacrifices may not be all : her taste, and even her morality, may be called upon to descend to
TOWARDS FORMER FRIENDS. 21
a lower standard than that to which they had been hitherto affixed : — she may never again associate on terms of equality with any but the low in mind and sentiment, and the unrefined in manners and habits.
i am aware that I am digressing from the main subject of our present conversation ; but I have been led on by my desire to point out to you some of the grievous results which may, and have often occurred in such a marriage as that of which we have been speaking.
MRS. L. — They are indeed melancholy ; but in such a case as mine, in which no inequality of rank exists, there cannot, I hope, be any just reason for a woman relinquish- ing her friends.
MRS. B. — No reasonable man can in such case require his wife to sacrifice the friendships formed under the paternal roof, which are often the purest interchange of our social sympathies, and are generally linked with many of the liveliest and most agreeable recollections of early life. None but an ungenerous spirit, or one unworthy of the affections which he thus covets, would desire such a sacrifice, unless there existed something peculiarly ob- jectionable in these attachments ; then, indeed, his wish must be considered reasonable, and the compliance of his wife proper. But if no such objections exist, it is more probable that he should be pleased to see her cherish the attachments, which either nature or habit has formed, without suspecting, as a consequence, any limitation of affection and confidence towards himself.
Subsequently, indeed, to marriage, intimacies should never be formed which are disagreeable to either party ; but as men mix more with the world, and acquire a greater facility in discriminating character than women, their judgments should have great weight in the friendships which their wives may be inclined to form. An ill-judged intimacy, contracted by a married woman, proves no trifling inconvenience under any circumstances ; but if it
32 CONDUCT TO BE OBSERVED, &C.
disturb the happiness of the husband, or tempt him to seek for society more agreeable to him than that which his home may presen . it then becomes an evil of great mag- nitude, which would have been more easily avoided than removed. Few inconveniences would attend our inti- macies were they always established upon proper grounds ; upon reason rather than upon fancy. We are easily caught by agreeable manners, and by a lively intercourse of con- versation ; and our inclinations, too, are often swayed, in forming our friendships, by the extrinsic circumstances of life. Upon such grounds we frequently connect ourselves with the worthless and frivolous, whose value for us in return rests upon no beuer a foundation. When we lose any of these outward advantages, our " summer friends" prove their worthlessness, and we then rail at friendship, as being merely '* A shade that follows wealth and fame," when we ought to censure oniy the misjudging preference which attached us chiefly to that part of society pleasing to the fancy only, and not sanctioned by the judgment.
MRS. L. — Oblige me with more hints on this subject, for the regulation of my conduct. As we cannot cleanse society of all its worthless particles, nor, without becoming mere ciphers, withdraw ourselves out of it, it will be well to learn, if possible, to mingle with it, extracting its ad- vantages, without imbibing any of its noxious qualities.
MRS. B. — Instead of withdrawing from society, if may be of importance to you, in many points of view, to main- tain in it an extended circle of acquaintance. This need not preclude a proper discrimination in the choice of your friends. The forms of society favour our independence in this respect, allowing us to be acquainted with many (according as our inclination and style of living determine our choice in this matter,) but to be intimate with few.
Sometimes, it is true, old established family friendships oblige the young married woman to receive on terms of intimacy those whom she might not otherwise have select
ON THE CHOICE OP FRIENDS. 23
for her friends ; but we will put aside such considerations for those which regard the formation of friendships de- pending chiefly on choice. I think I have a short manu- script essay on this very subject, which, perhaps, you will favour me by reading aloud, allowing me to preface it by remarking on the precipitancy with which young people often rush into intimacies. I am far from desiring to en- courage in any one a suspicious disposition towards strangers, or to inculcate the necessity of suspecting obli- quity of character beneath a pleasing and amiable exte- rior: but my caution is directed against rashness in judgment ; nor would I have you only correct its decisions when it weighs the merits of the agreeable in society. You suffer it to commit an injustice of equal magnitude, if you decide upon the total absence of qualities worthy of your esteem, upon no other grounds than perceiving awkward and rough manners, with an unpleasing expression of countenance.
ON THE CHOICE OF FRIENDS.
MRS. L.— " It has been said, * Show me your friends, and I will tell you what you are.' We may apply this saying to our own use, and, by the qualities which we seek in our friends, we may unveil to ourselves the bearings of our own characters. If their conduct deviate generally from the rule of right ; if their tastes are perverted from what is pure and innocent, and they find pleasure in the breach of morality ; if their sentiments, as well as their conduct, betray deficiency of principle, and their tempers indifference to the welfare of others ; if, perceiving these traits and qualities in them, we still court and enjoy their society, repose confidence in their judgment, and rely ou the constancy of their regard for us, we may assure our- selves that our tastes, also, are neither pure nor innocent : that xve are neither firm in principle, nor Tvise in our deci-
24 ON THE CHOICE OF FRIENDS.
sions ; but are profaning the name of friendship, and denying ourselves its true enjoyment. Upright and vir- tuous characters, and persons of a genuine taste, seek con genial qualities in their associates, and having found them, their mutual esteem and regard become firmly implanted ; and as long as they continue each intrinsically the same, their friendship remains unshaken either by the storms of adversity, or by those minor frailties which still must cling to human nature. Such friendships are our joy in prosperity, and our solace in seasons of grief and misfor- tune. Intimacies, misnamed friendships, when founded on a less worthy basis, may please the fancy for a time, but can afford no permanent satisfaction ; for where mutual esteem and confidence cannot subsist, lasting pleasure refuses to dwell.
"A true friend must be untarnished by vicious pursuits, bis soul displayed in the uprightness of his actions, and in the simplicity of his demeanour. His benevolence should not consist merely in acts of charity or beneficence, but should pervade his sentiments, and influence his judgment in regarding the conduct of his fellow-creatures. If he is consistent in his expectations, and ambitious chiefly of dis- tinction in virtue, his temper will be untried by many of the mortifications which beset the misjudging and worldly minded. If he is willing also (not inconsistently with judgment and prudence) to stretch forth an assisting hand to save his friends when sinking under the trials of adver- sity, he is worthy of our high regard ; nor should we deem the sacrifice of every uncongenial propensity in ourselves as too great, if it enable us to form with him a compact of mutual esteem and regard.
" Such are the qualities and characteristics of him whom we should desire for our friend. That friendships are nften interrupted by dissension, sometimes utterly destroyed, must be attributed to the disqualifications and imperfections of the parties themselves. Thus it is in many things :
ON THE CHOICE OF FRIENDS. 26
Providence supplies us with blessings and the means of enjoyment, which our frailties alone either annul or diminish in value.
" There are, however, other obstacles to the permanent enjoyment of true friendship, which, although still attribu- table to human imperfection, are such as we cannot reason- ably expect to surmount ; and which, in the formation of our friendships, we should, if possible, avoid encountering. Of these impediments, great inequality of rank and fortune may be first considered.
" It is true, that friendships, apparently sincere in their outset, have been frequently formed between those of unequal stations in society. But their unbroken continu- ance has always depended upon the peculiar excellence of each party. It can rarely happen that individuals, whose earliest years have been under directly opposite influ- ences, can perfectly assimilate with each other in opinion, prejudice, and habit. Each having different spheres of action to call their powers into play, and different views and objects in life, can scarcely judge accurately of the proprieties which belong to their opposite ranks, so as to give each to the other good counsel when in circumstances of doubt or of difficulty. This alone would touch a vital principle of true friendship, namely, mutual confidence in each other's judgment
" Should the friend of superior rank betray any mark of contempt for the station filled by the other, their friend- ship would certainly be shaken, because we can scarcely avoid identifying ourselves with the rank we hold, nor divest our minds of the persuasion, that if that is despised, we, too, share a similar portion of contempt. Resentment, and subsequent estrangement, must ensue. Indeed, the nature of his friendship would be equivocal, who could brook contempt from one whom he himself held in esteem. Whatever destroys the feeling of equality between friends, must weaken the bonds that unite them. Even the muni- 3
26 ON THE CHOICE OF FRIENDS.
ficence of a friend may in some cases have this effect. It opens a debtor and creditor account, which, perhaps, is not to be closed until the debtor has relinquished his independence of opinion and sentiment, and his own free agency in all his concerns. The obliged friend has some- times no alternative but to be termed ungrateful, or to become time-serving.
" Disproportion in age is not always a favourable cir- cumstance in friendship. It is desirable that the young should have the benefit of the experience of age ; yet, from feelings peculiar to each of these stages of life, great intimacy seldom subsists between them, without frequent interruptions to its friendly course. The aged expect deference from the young, both in manners and opinions ; and the young, presumptuous and inconsiderate, are not always willing to show it. The old think and act in unison with a generation passing away, and the young, although reaping much from the wisdom and acquisitions in knowledge of that generation, still cannot, nor ought, to tread undeviatingly in the paths of their forefathers. Superior light appears to break in upon them, but, in diffusing this, they do not always evince sufficient regard for the prejudices of older minds. The declining genera- tion consider the young as rash, who, in return, regard the opinions of their elders as mere prejudice.
" Besides these points of difference, the pursuits of each naturally separate them. The one takes its pleasures from passive circumstances, and in rest rather than in active employments, while the state of the other demands the constant exercise of its energies both physical and mental.
" Inequality of mental endowment is another bar to the formation of friendship. Commiseration may influence an individual of superior intellect in his conduct towards one of weaker parts and judgment, and may prompt him to perform every good office of friendly regard. But a free, equal intercourse of mind cannot subsist between
FRIENDSHIPS. $7
j
them ; the one would be perpetually disappointed by the deficiency in the apprehension of the other, who, on his part, would be unable to appreciate his value, or to enter into his pleasures.
" Such are among the hinderances to the formation and continuance of perfect friendship ; and their enumeration leads us to the melancholy conclusion, that it is a blessing rarely, to be enjoyed while we wear the garb of mortality. That which will partake of most of its characteristics must be established upon the rock of moral worth ; and, as far as it can be, secured, upon equality in rank and fortune, in years and in intellect."
MRS. L. — After all the principles we may lay down on this important subject, it requires considerable firmness to adhere to them. I have known intimacies contracted in opposition to the dictates of the judgment, merely for want of the spirit of resistance to petty influences and circum- stances ; which is, I think, frequently the reason that trifles turn the scale against judgment. But I will now request you to tell me how far you approve of friendships formed between married women and the opposite sex ?
MRS. B. — To mark the degree of intimacy which may subsist with the male sex, where there is no near relation- ship, propriety has formed a boundary which no woman, who places a proper value on her own good report, will attempt to pass. It is true, she may pique herself on her innocence and purity of thought, ai>d commence an impru- dent war against appearances ; but she ought to be aware that the knowledge alone of acting against appearances must, inevitably, injure that very purity of thought which she prides herself in possessing. If female intimacies arc sometimes objectionable to the husband, those with the other sex cannot but be peculiarly so, because there is a danger in them, which tends to deprive him of the ex- clusive preference he has a right to expect from his wife. Such intimacies, then, duty and propriety both forbid ;
28 CORRESPONDENCE.
and many, originally well-intentioned women, would have been spared degradation from happiness and honour, had they reposed with less confidence on themselves, and not ventured beyond the limits sanctioned by the world ; ex- perience having often demonstrated that their extension is productive of misery to individuals, and of mischief to society.
MRS. L. — But are all previous intimacies with the other sex to be finally dropped, the moment a woman bestows her hand at the altar ?
MRS. B. — Certainly not. But all communications with the other sex must be carried on with the confidence and full approbation of the husband. A married lady may even continue a correspondence with an unmarried gentle- man, provided her husband be a tacit party to all the com- munications of such an intercourse. But unless a peculiar tie render it desirable to continue such a correspondence, commenced before marriage, I cannot but recommend that it should be given up after marriage, lest its continu- ance should engender unpleasant suspicions in the hus- band's mind, which seldom fail to create herious inconve- niences, and mortify and degrade a woman even in her own eyes. Perhaps the character of the individual with whom she corresponds, and the circumstances which gave rise to the friendship which subsists between him and her- self, may render it difficult to adopt more distant conduct towards him. In this case, her husband should also be- come intimately acquainted with the causes of the intimacy, that his mind may be fortified against the inroads of jeal- ousy by entire approbation of the line of conduct she pursues.
MRS. L.— Well 1 there is more liberality in these senti- ments than I was led to expect ; and, as such is the case, surely there can be no objection to the continuance of the closest correspondence with her own family connections ? ]\fRS. B.— Marriage affords no reason why the corres-
CORRESPONDENCE. 29
pondence between family-connections should be suffered to languish.
MRS. L. — But, if a newly-married lady happens to be at a great distance from her family-connections, how far is it proper, or essential in reference to her new character, to maintain with them an extensive epistolary correspond- ence ? Would it not very much interfere with her do- mestic duties ?
MRS. B. — After marriage various may be the impedi- ments in the way of personal intercourse with relations and friends, and but for the communication which writing affords, we should lose a source of happiness arising from keeping up an interest in their welfare. Still, an extensive corres- pondence cannot be continued after marriage, consistently with the increased duties in which domestic concerns and good neighbourhood involve many married women. The constant locomotion these require tends to destroy also the relish for such tacit conversation, and for the still life which, in idea, an absent spot presents, and which are opposed to the active scenes and employments in which tb»-iqarried woman finds herself called upon to take her shaMr It may, therefore, seem needless to guard her against ';he attempt to carry on an extensive correspondence ; a few months may, perhaps, see it gradually diminished, and her letters become, " like angel visits, few and far between," until they cease altogether. As it is not, how- ever, pleasant to incur the charge of " changeableness" and " forgetful ness," to which this natural death of her correspondence would render her liable, the young mar- ried woman should select a chosen few from among those friends, whom sterling qualities render valuable, and whose friendship she may hope to retain to the end of her life.
In a pecuniary point of view, also, an extensive corres- pondence may prove a serious evil in the marriage-state It is one of those enjoyments which, however agreeable,
SO CONFIDENCE.
is not essential ; and a wife is not less responsible fof squandering money, under certain circumstances, on the trifling gossiping of an extensive epistolary correspond- ence, than in the purchase of superfluous ornaments. No postage can be regarded as extravagant, when it is the means of conveying intelligence of the welfare of our re- lations and friends ; but to a man of limited income the expense of daily packets addressed to his wife, which contain nothing but common-place remarks, or every-day news, is both an oppressive and injurious tax.
MRS. L. — Is it necessary that a married woman should permit her letters to be opened by her husband ?
MRS. B. — A sensible man, who hos confidence in the prudence of his wife, will have no desire to assume that privilege which his situation as a husband confers upon him ; nor to infringe on the sacredness of her correspo id- ence. The slightest tincture of suspicion is incompatible with the mutual happiness of a husband and wife. A married woman, therefore, although her husband may not desire it, should voluntarily place her lettei-s in his hards, feeling that in so doing she is merely sharing with lmiv..he pleasure they may bestow, or alleviating the poiga*Jcy of grief their intelligence may impart to her. It is always preferable, however, for both parties to hold the corres- pondence of the other sacred, and not even to desire to become a party in it.
MRS. L. — But I should suppose it impossible for a married woman to have a correspondence which should be concealed, under any circumstances, from her husband ? r MRS. B. — It is certainly more advisable to have none which he cannot inspect ; but circumstances may arise, in the progress of life, to involve the married woman in a correspondence in which it might not be proper to make her husband a party. A letter may convey to her commu- nications relative to an early friend or acquaintance, which are confidentially imparted to her. Under these circum-
CONFIDENCE. 31
stances, though she might not be willing to betray the confidence of her friend, she ought to satisfy the mind of her husband, with sufficient reasons for not being more explicit towards him. If she can convince him that the correspondence has no reference to herself, but relates to the private concerns of her friend, it will scarcely be suffi- cient to excite any interest in his mind, or to create the slightest suspicion unfavourable towards his wife.
MRS. L. — But should a husband desire to read a confi- dential letter, would a woman be justified in refusing it?
MRS. B. — Not at all. The first object of every woman in married life should be the happiness of her husband, as connected with her own ; therefore any concealment, in which he does not concur, should be avoided. And if there be a proper understanding between them, it can scarcely be considered as a breach of trust, should the wife think fit to confide the secret of her friend to her husband ; nor should any one, in making private commu- nications to a married friend, expect or demand more from her than a conditional promise of silence towards her husband.
MRS. L. — I perceive, however, that the comfort of married life may be disturbed by any reserve towards a husband, even though on subjects that have no connection with the family circle.
MRS. B. — It is very true ; and yet it is almost impos- sible to avoid it in every case. But, if mutual confidence subsisted between the married, its inconveniences would be lessened : neither of them would then suspect the other of sharing any confidence of an injudicious nature, or any that would be likely to bring trouble into the family circle. The propriety of maintaining such a reserve towards a husband, depends chiefly upon the nature of the confidence reposed by the friend. If it have no relation to her own concerns, and if she is merely the depositary of a secret communication, and not employed as an active agent in it,
32 CHOICE OP
there may not be much inconvenience attending it But if called upon to act and assist, reserve towards her hus- band should then cease ; for I can perceive but few things in which she could, unknown to her husband, assist her friend, without practising some degree of duplicity. Let me therefore advise you to decline participating in the confidence of any one who would require your assistance unknown to your husband.
CONVERSATION III.
HEW ACQUAINTANCES, CHOICE OF. — DESCRIPTION OF PEO- PLE TO BE AVOIDED. — GOSSIPING. — SCANDAL. — FLAT- TERY.
MRS. L. — How is a lady who settles at a distance from tier own family-connections to select her acquaintance ?
MRS. B. — There are not many women who have the power to select their acquaintance after marriage. Most commonly they must enter, without much discrimination, into the circle in which marriage places them ; and this is particularly the case with the wives of professional men, whose interest it is, not to be forgotten by those from whom they expect employment, nor to remain unknown to the public.
MRS. L. — But are there not some points to be observed in the formation of an acquaintance, which should always be firmly adhered to?
MRS. B.— There are several. Thus, it is evident, that those whose characters and conduct stand impeached ot any thing dishonourable should never be adaiitted into good society. This should be a rule with every one, of
NEW ACQUAINTANCES. S3
which neither interest, policy, nor even the pleadings of pity, should induce the neglect. As general security and good order require that the transgressors of the law of the land should pay its penalties, so the purity and comfort of society depend upon the banishment of those who have proved themselves unworthy of its sanction. It is true the observance of this rule may, sometimes, deprive our circles of wit and talents equally amusing and instructive ; but wit and talents, unaccompanied by moral worth, allure to danger. If the young view the vicious with approba- tion, half the barrier, in their minds, between right and wrong, is broken down • and an inlet made to more serious attacks on innocence and on virtuous principles.
MRS. L. — Is not this rule of exclusion likely to check the desire of many to quit the paths of vice and dishonour ; or to throw within the shade of melancholy those who, but for one unfortunate step, might have ranked with the innocent and happy ?
MRS. B. — Your remark is just : but, still, we must bear in mind, that repentance is not genuine unless it have a higher aim than merely to be restored to the world's ap- probation. The world has no power to heal the wounds of the mind, therefore its acts of grace, in restoring the fallen to his place in society, would be useless as well as pernicious. He who has fallen by his own misdemean- ours, must be a warning to others, and pay, by exclusion from unspotted society, the penalty for his transgressions. Men practise this exclusion, in the most rigid manner, towards individuals of their own sex who have failed in the observance of those principles of conduct which, in polite society, are regarded as essential to constitute the gentleman and man of honour ; and, this being the case, how much more necessary is it for virtuous women to refuse to admit into their society those who have forfeited that character ! Were this barrier broken down, the female world would lose that well-merited homage which it now
34 CHOICE OF
receives from men ; and, like fallen angels, become more contemptible by a comparison between their degraded state and their prior purity. I knew Alicia, who was the admiration of every eye for the beauty and the symmetry of her person ; and eminently calculated to be the fasci- nating centre of every company, for the liveliness of her manners, the sweetness of her temper, and the brilliancy of her wit ; but, nevertheless, she was the most wretched of her sex. I have seen her at an assembly, leaning upon the arm of a man of rank, pass through the room, and cast a look of ineffable contempt upon the other females of the party ; and yet, when the artificial spirits, which the occasion and the situation had excited, subsided, and she found herself alone in her apartment, she would burst into tears, sink into a fit of despondency, and envy the plainest and most neglected female in the party she had quitted. The truth was, that Alicia had, unfortunately, deviated from the path of rectitude, the strict observance of which alone can gain respect to the female character ; and found, from sad experience, that the very men who flocked around her in public, pouring out the incense of flattery to her beauty, and sacrificing at the shrine of her talents, withdrew their wives and daughters from her society, as if from a source of contamination : and thus shut out from the fellowship of the spotless part of her own sex, she felt the worm ever gnawing a heart which, if it had remained innocent, was fitted to have been the seat of the most enviable felicity.
MRS. L. — I trust such situations are rare, and that the hand of mercy is extended, even in this world, to the penitent. But, independent of the obstacles arising from deviations from virtue, what other circumstances of con- duct should prevent a newly -married woman from seeking, or accepting, the acquaintance of her neighbours ?
MRS. B. — There are some propensities over which society has little control, although they are frequently
IfEW ACQUAINTANCES. 35
found to be mischievous and vexatious. Of such are the love of scandal, gossiping, and ridicule. All that can be done towards checking their progress in society must be by the force of example, and by making those who are addicted to them aware, that their company would be more welcome were their conversation of a higher stamp. It would, perhaps, appear an assumption of too great su- periority were a young married iady to profess an intention to exclude from her society such delinquents as the scandal- monger and gossip ; but if she feel obliged to tolerate them among her acquaintance, she need not select them for her friends. Intimacies with them would be ill-advised, and might be dangerous. No degree of intimacy can insure safety with the genuine lover of scandal. By such per- sons any circumstance that may serve as the basis of a good story, or that may find an interest in the malignant propensities of others, is carefully hindered from smoulder- ing and perhaps dying away for want of a free circulation and current. It is very seldom, too, that a story gains nothing in its course, and what was of pigmy birth grows quickly in its progress through any circle to gigantic stature. Were it truth only that is thus passed on from house to house, scandal would soon cease ; for truth, admitting of no variation in the nature of its circumstances, would not afford it sufficient nourishment.
MRS. L. — 1 think I have remarked among those whom I could not charge with any decided propensity to blunder, extreme carelessness regarding the reputation of their ac- quaintance. 1 have heard them mention, with no spirit of unkindness, but from inconsideration, or from the love of talking, circumstances and reports resting on slight basis, and yet of such a nature as to convey very injurious im- pressions of the parties concerned. Is not such conduct highly censurable ?
MRS. B.— Without doubt. In proportion to the desire \ve have to avert unjust reproach from ourselves, should
36 CHOICE OP
be our solicitude to avoid fixing it undeservedly upon another, particularly upon a woman, whose name, if once ' sullied, is so irrecoverably. Sometimes an injurious report is handed about, and after circulating- and gaining credit a contradiction comes out, telling you th^t the whole is a calumny. But who will pretend to say that no mischiel is done, and that the contradiction will extend as far as the story, or will gain as ready a belief? It may often hap- pen, that upon such grounds an innocent woman for the rest of her days is regarded by her acquaintance with suspicion, and her society consequently avoided.
We are not, however, to confound scandal with just censure and discrimination. We may sometimes be called upon to express an opinion respecting the character and conduct of individuals, and if we feel assured that censure is deserved, we must not withhold it, lest we neglect the cause of morality. But in doing this, we may be careful not to exceed justice, nor to speak with more than requisite severity.
MRS. L. — But as scandal is not confined to the weaker sex, how is a lady to discriminate the characters of the gentlemen who may visit at her house ?
MRS. B. — By their chosen pursuits, and by the tenour of their conversation, some knowledge may be attained of the character of those who form a part of our society. If they are known to discharge their various obligations honourably and judiciously; if they devote some portion of their time to the acquisition of knowledge ; if their sentiments on all important subjects do not offend against morality ; and if their conversation is free from levity and folly — there can be little doubt of their being entitled to a favourable reception in society. But when the chief study of men appears to be the fashions of the day, and their highest ambition is to be of ton ; when they would rather relinquish right principles, and adopt any folly, than sin against the laws of fashion; when frivolity marks
NEW ACQUAINTANCES. 37
their pursuits, and selfishness their conduct, you will be justified in excluding such from an intimate footing in your circle, although there may be circumstances which compel you to admit them among your acquaintance. A formal intercourse is all such men deserve, which, like the gauze curtains used in Indian climates to exclude annoying in- sects, will prevent their society from proving an incon- venience. But, unfortunately, fashion has more sway in the regulations of society than good taste and propriety ; and in your intercourse with the world, you will often en- counter the weakest and most worthless men, who are not only admitted, but even sought after and welcomed every where, because they are fashionable, and because their names, not their accomplishments, give €clat to the parties they frequent.
It has been a common reflection upon women, that they are ever ready to encourage all the derelictions from good taste and wisdom which fashion may prescribe, and to their influence, the folly and consequent insignificance in society of many a young man has been attributed. Cer- tainly, if such folly were not supposed to be admired, and to gain distinction, it would have fewer votaries.
MRS. L. — Let us hope for a brighter era in the history of society, when the improved taste of the female world will assert an influence in discountenancing eccentricity, affectation, and folly, by whatever name supported ; and in ranking wisdom and virtue on the side of fashion.
MRS. B.— -On one point, however, we may ki this age boast of improvement. The unmeaning compliments which were formerly paid to women, and considered as forming the only species of conversation that could be palatable to them, are now become unfashionable, and even absurd. Most women of the present day, were they so complimented, would probably suspect themselves to be objects of ridicule rather than of admiration. Y"et although open and gross flattery can now seldom please, there are 4
38 CHOICE OF ACQUAINTANCES.
kinds of a more specious and hidden form, which are too often acceptable. These are not unfrequently the instru- ments of designing characters, and employed under the semblance of friendship and esteem to gain confidence for some sinister end. Sometimes the ambition of a low mind is to rise into notice by mean subservience to a supe- rior, and flattering his weaknesses to gain his point by making his patron his dupe. But the love of flattery, besides rendering us dupes of the most contemptible arts, is in itself injurious. The mind accustomed to adulation, is like the body when fed upon too high and luxurious an aliment. It becomes diseased, and cannot afterwards en- dure the plain language of sincerity. The true fr>end is often neglected, or coldly treated, and preference shown to any, however unworthy, who are willing to give, in sufficient quantity, the only food welcome to self-love. Mental infirmities receive no check from such nourish- ment : the taste and feelings become depraved, and added years, instead of witnessing improvement in character, only bring to light defects and failings cherished and mul- tiplied under the baneful influence of flattery.
Women who are gossips, are generally flatterers. They discover the weak side of every one with whom they as- sociate ; and in administering incense to self-love, obtain the possession of secrets under the mask of confidence, which they are impatient to impart to the whole circle in which they move. Such women are dangerous in propor- tion as they are insinuating : like the Circean cup, their noxious qualities are not discovered until the poison ha- touched the vitals.
CONVERSATION IV.
CONDUCT TO RELATIONS ; — ADVICE FROM ; WHEN AND HOW TO BE RECEIVED ; WHEN TO BE REJECTED. — THE GOOD OPINION OF RELATIONS ESSENTIAL TO HAPPINESS.
MRS. L. — The proper attention to be paid to the claims of relationship, presents a subject for consideration of great moment to the newly-married female : for peace and goo' will cannot be destroyed among relations without a serious interruption to happiness. A family feud is like an incurable wound. How is this to be avoided ?
MRS. B. — The first year of a woman's married life is not always most free from vexations and troubles. She carries into one family the prejudices and the habits of another, which sometimes prove so different, as to cause the task of assimilating herself, in her new character, to those with whom she is henceforth to dwell, to be both painful and difficult. If she be solicitous to promote unanimity between her new connections and herself, she will, perhaps, examine, how far she can yield to their pre- judices, and in what degree she ought to maintain her own. By yielding a little, she makes, at least, her road smoother, if she do not thereby lay the foundation of esteem and affection, not to be shaken for the future, by any trifling cause.
As the happiness of the husband is liable to interruption, and his temper to be tried, by the petty umbrages and irritations between his wife and his relations, it is her duty, and assuredly the best mode of securing her own happi- ness, to endeavour to please them, so as to engage their affections if possible. A determination to be pleased her- self, is half-way towards pleasing them ; and this may be
40 CONDUCT TO RELATIONS.
shown by her willingness to discover their agreeable traits of character, rather than with the critical penetration oi ill-humour, to mark their weaknesses and errors. By pleasing manners at first, she may secure herself a favour- able reception into her husband's family ; and, in time, when she has proved her worth, her footing among them will be on a surer foundation.
MRS. L. — It happens not unfrequently, that a husband has kept house before his marriage, and has had his domestic affairs managed by a maiden sister ; and circum- stances may exist to render her continuance in the family requisite. How is the young married lady to act in such a case ?
MRS. B. — No situation in which a young married female can be placed, demands greater circumspection. In as- suming the entire management of her household, which should be immediately done on entering into it, she must 37ield, at first, in many things, to the guidance of its former ruler ; and even where reform is necessary, and her own opinion differs from that of her sister-in-law, the change must be effected by degrees, and with much delicacy. Her predecessor may look with a jealous eye upon ail her transactions ; and, unless she be a woman of more than common prudence and amiable dispositions, she will not fail to notice the failures, which she sees, or supposes she sees, in the management of the family. Every young mis- tress of a family should endeavour to act independently, by degrees ; and as soon as this can be done, the less counsel she takes, and the more she treats her sister-in-law as a visiter only in the family, the greater will be the pro- bability of preserving her esteem, and securing the general comfort of the household.
MRS. L.— Suppose her predecessor to be the mother of her husband.
MRS. B. — Still greater delicacy would then be requi- site, in the attempt to obtain independence. The opinions
CONDUCT TO RELATIONS. 41
and feelings of the mother of her husband should not be treated either with indifference or contempt, though it might be necessary to make a firm, but a modest resistance to some of her prejudices and habits. Good sense and good temper united may effect wonders under the difficul- ties which may attend such an inmate ; and, indeed, under any circumstances, they are the only means by which a permanent state of order and comfort in a family can be established.
MRS. L. — What influence should a lady allow her own relations to have in the regulation of her family affairs ? For instance ; it occasionally happens that a mother, or a sister, spends some months with a lady immediately after her marriage; and it is next to impossible that they should avoid some interference in directing her plans, and in forming her arrangements.
MRS. B. — Matrimonial uneasiness has, sonic ames, been occasioned, by the undue influence maintained over the mind of the wife by the members of her own family. It would be unnatural, if they did not retain a part of the influence, which early habit has given ; but something materially wrong must exist, both in the wife, and in her relations, when this influence acts upon her, so as to induce her to oppose, in any way, the comfort of her husband. The parent, in giving away his daughter at the altar, yielded up his right of control over her, never to be exerted again in opposition to the husband, unless some point of peculiar importance to the welfare of both seem to demand it.
MRS. L.-— Suppose misunderstandings arise between a husband and his wife, for you know, my dear madam, such things do occur, can a woman be blamed for appeal- ing to her own relations ?
MRS. B. — Interference on the part of relations, in the case of matrimonial disputes, is extremely injudicious,
the effect of such disputes, would frequently be but mo- 4*
42 CONDUCT TO RELATIONS.
mentary and slight, if all interference were avoided. Indeed, it displays a deficiency of sense, and is a melan- choly sacrifice ot self-esteem, in a wife, to communicate to others the failings of her husband, or the subjects of their disagreement. It destroys the mutual trust which must exist, or the married state cannot be happy. Let, then, every woman beware, before she exposes her hus- band's failings ; let her rather screen them from observa- tion, with the same care with which she would wish her own to be veiled. If she does this, she may never have to complain of injudicious interference.
MRS. L. — I have known instances of married ladies stating their grievances to their male friends. My opinion is, that such conduct is very reprehensible ; but I am de- sirous of hearing from you, whose judgment is strengthened by experience, what may be expected to result from such imprudence ?
MRS. B. — A woman can scarcely commit an act of greater imprudence, than to impart to a friend of the other sex, the causes of uneasiness subsisting between her hus- band and herself. Such a confidence bestowed upon a man of unsteady principles, would expose her to incon- veniences of a painful and degrading nature. It would, in fact, be a tacit avowal of needing that protection, which she ought alone to receive from the very individual against whom she has lodged her appeal ; and thus she would herself open the way to attentions and advances, disho- nourable to the purity of her mind, and dangerous to her character. When igporance of the world, or a weak understanding tempts a woman to such imprudent con- duct, it will be next to a miracle if her downfal be not the result.
MRS. L. — Under what circumstances is advice to be taken and to be requested ?
MRS. B. — The elder members of families are often disposed to fancy their juniors incapable of judging and
CONDUCT TO RELATIONS. 43
acting for themselves ; and, thence, urgently press their opinions and advice, upon all occasions, whether of im- portance or of insignificance ; thus disgusting where they wished to benefit.
The young, on their part, are generally too presumptu- ous, and averse from counsel, which may not, in their opinion, be sufficiently flavoured by the fashions of the day. Did they consider that the practice and opinions of their seniors have borne the test of experience, while those of the present time have their value still to be proved, they would, perhaps, be more willing to pay the proper tribute of respect and attention to the advice that may be given to them ; and by this they might sometimes be spared the purchase of experience at too dear a rate.
It is not, however, judicious to seek advice on every occasion, or to act upon it indiscriminately. This would show a weak character, or tend to produce one. A pro- per dependence on self, is essential to right conduct, and where it is wanting, neither oral nor written advice can supply the deficiency.
There are, however, many points, on which a young married woman finds that her judgment needs the aid of experience ; and this will induce her to ask for advice, from the best source within her power. If very strict regard to economy be important, the experience of a friend may enable her to put it into immediate practice : in affairs of the nursery, timely advice may prevent some of the grievous effects of ignorance ; and in the govern- ment of servants too, it may often be useful, and avert much inconvenience ; for, to be ignorant in the eyes of our domestics, is to place ourselves in their power, the effect of which is shown by their disobedience and con- tempt. But on this subject, we will speak more fully hereafter. On other things, speaking generally, it will be better to consult the judgment, and to act according to its dictates, than in every moment of demur, to seek the
44 CONDUCT TO RELATIONS.
opinion oi another. Errors of judgment may be the con- sequence occasionally, but with ripened years they will diminish ; and the character will acquire vigour by the exercise of the judgment, sufficient to compensate for a few mistakes. At the commencement of any new career, the experience of our friends is most advantageous, but it should be regarded merely as a temporary assistance ; like that afforded to the child when he first attempts to walk. The support should be diminished by degrees, as strength and courage increase, till at length we may be left to our own pilotage and freedom of action.
A multiplicity of advisers is very far from desirable. It is true, there may be wisdom in the counsel of the many, yet, in most cases, I would rather have the opinion of one sensible friend than that of many others. To have to select from an incongruous mass of advice that which may appear to be the best, sometimes rather impedes than assists the judgment ; and besides this,, the liberty of choosing is restrained by the fear of offending, and, it must be confessed, riot without reason, for very few people feel perfectly complacent towards those who have disre- garded their counsel or preferred that of another.
MRS. L. — There is not, 1 think, any one more trouble- some than the voluntary adviser. I mean one who, on all petty matters, is in the habit of pointing out to you much better plans than those you have pursued, and who makes you readily aware that she is sure she could arrange all your family affairs much more advantageously than you can yourself. 1 have seen much vexation arise from this foible. How may it be parried without giving offence ?
MRS. B. — It may be diiBcult to resist such a friendly ad- viser with discretion, particularly if she be nearly related or connected. But that it must be done there can be no hesitation, or you may not be long the mistress of your house or of your actions. Such a case will require firm, but not violent, opposition, and it is probable that one 01
CONDUCT TO RELATIONS. 45
two struggles will be sufficient to check the habit, as far as you are concerned ; and if on all other points you con- tinue to manifest the kindness and regard you had previ- ously shown, perhaps even redouble your attention, you may possibly avoid incurring any continued resentment or displeasure.
MRS. L. — Is it not improper to mention the occur- rences in one's family to strangers, unless advice be the object ?
MRS. B. — Certainly ; nothing can be more ill advised. The daily trifling occurrences in a family should never be known beyond the walls of the house. It is extremely injudicious to repeat them ; and even if they be told to relations and intimates, they frequently cause discussions of an unsatisfactory nature, or entail a load of advice, which proves neither useful nor agreeable. Greater events, either of pleasure or of sorrow, our friends have a just claim to know, and on such occasions their sympathy gratifies and comforts.
MRS. L. — What general line of conduct should a woman adopt in reference to her husband's relations?
MRS. B. — If a woman endeavour to place her husband's relations on the same footing, as nearly as possible, as her own ; to search for their virtues, and to pay those virtues the meed of esteem ; to be more than half-blind to their weaknesses ; to respect the opinions and feelings of the senior members of his family, while she treats the younger with affection and good-humour, she cannot fail to ensure towards herself a conduct in some degree correspondent. Her husband, too, will be gratified by the attainment of this family concord, especially if his wife have conceded some of her prejudices and habits to promote it. And if he be not a selfish character, he will neglect no opportunity of establishing it on the firmest foundation.
The task of conciliating a variety of tempers, and of assimilating ourselves to habits and modes of thinking to
46 ON TEMPER.
which we have not been accustomed, forms, sometimes, a perplexing and trying part of the duty of married life ; but they who habitually sacrifice inclination to the sense of duty, will find even this easy and tolerable. As a com- pensation, they will experience self-approbation, a reward of far higher value than inclination, when gratified at the expense of duty, can ever purchase.
CONVERSATION V.
ON TEMPER, AS CONNECTED WITH SOCIAL RELATIONSHIPS TOWARDS A HUSBAND, CHILDREN, SERVANTS, AND SO- CIETY.
{ ' ,-• ,
MRS. L. — It requires but little penetration, and even less experience, to acknowledge the importance of a good temper in the married woman ; but who can advise her how to attain it ? We can all eulogize it ; but if nature have not laid its foundation within us, we find advice but an inefficient instructer in the art of raising its superstruc- ture. Will you, my dear madam, give me your opinion, and afford me such assistance as the nature of the subject will permit ?
MRS. B. — A good temper is indeed a blessing, not only to the individual who possesses it, but to every being and object within its influence. It is like a healthy atmos- phere : — it promotes cheerfulness and elasticity of spirits in all around ; and even gloomy and discontented dispo- sitions can scarcely resist its happy power. But the tem- per which casts this influence around it, is not to be con- founded with that easy disposition which nature sometimes gives, and in which no feeling, either pleasurable or
ON TEMPER. 47
painful, proceeds beyond the point of mediocrity. Such a disposition may pass by painful and vexatious events without annoying us by fretful lamentations, but it does no more ; it neither heightens our pleasures nor lessens our griefs by its sympathy. It sheds no cheerfulness around it, and is hardly to be considered as a blessing to the pos- sessor, since it weakens the social feelings which connect him with his fellow-creatures. The temper I would re- commend is to be acquired by the aid of self-government, and to be possessed by every one, although perhaps in different degrees.
MRS. L. — But should not the task of regulating the temper begin long before the responsibility of a wife or a mother commences ? Will not the difficulty then prove too great, for those whose tempers have been injured, either by the false indulgence of their parents, or by other defects in their early management ?
MRS. B. — In such cases the difficulties are indeed great , but where there is energy of mind, much may be done, especially if there be, also, a thorough conviction of the importance of self-control, both as it regards the happiness of the individual, and of every one connected with her. Upon her temper, the welfare )f her family may be said to turn, because it has the greatest effect in moulding the characters, and in promoting or destroying the happiness of the domestic circle. Even should the temper of her husband be peculiar, she may, by having the command of her own, lessen some of its bad effects upon the happiness of the family ; and though she may not be able to avert them entirely, yet she will derive much satisfaction from knowing she has not increased the evil, by her own want of forbearance and good-humour. One of the agreeable consequences which she will find to result from good tem- per, is the influence it gives her within the domestic sphere. It is a virtuous influence, honourable to herself, and bene- ficial as far as it extends ; and very different from that love
48 ON TEMPER.
of power, which, the sarcastic say, is inherent in woman. Good temper in a wife is indispensable to conjugal happi- ness. A man may possess every advantage which the world has to give, and may have talents that render him a valuable member of society ; yet, if his wife be conten- tious, fretful, or discontented, his sum of happiness is most incomplete.
Every man, whether employed in the duties of public or of professional life, meets with numerous circumstances and disappointments which harass and distress him. For the painful effects of these, a happy home provides an in stantaneous antidote. Every thing beyond its walls seems for a time forgotten, while the mind is relieved, and its powers renovated for future exertions in the wor/d, by the healthy air of cheerfulness which he breathes m the do- mestic circle. How different when home is a scene of ill humour and discord ! Into such a home no one can retire from the harassing business of life, with any hope of com- fort and relaxation, but must seek elsewhere to dissipate the weight upon his spirits ; though nowhere can he find relief so effectual, as that which, under happier auspices, his home might have afforded him. The desires which he might once have entertained to cultivate domestic tastes, and to seek for happiness in domestic enjoyments, are turned from their course, and directed into channels which can give him no permanent satisfaction, but in which, by too eager a pursuit, he may be brought into situations destructive to his peace of mind.
The world corrupts ; home should refine : the one, even in the sober transactions of life, presents examples of craftiness, self-interestedness, and freedom in moral princi- ple ; while, in its more alluring scenes of pleasure, it only nourishes folly and vanity. By the contemplation of these, even without participating in them, the mind is injured ; it contracts a rust vhich nothing can better remove than home, when it is properly organized. When that presents
50 ON TEMPER.
misdemeanours. Her influence over them would then have tended to remedy the weakness in their characters,1 until they, by the force of habit, had become incapable of practising any course of 3j stematic deception.
MRS. L. — I have witnessed the effects you describe upon a family of young people, in whom fear towards their parents predominated over affection. While very young, I saw them endeavouring daily to avoid anger or disgrace, by every art of evasion and deceit in their power : at last they became such proficients, that it might have been said of them, as was observed of one of our great poets, that "he could scarcely drink tea without a strata- gem." Circumstance8 h™ke off the intimacy that had subsisted between this family and my father's ; and it was fortunate for me that my intercourse with them thus ter- minated, although it was not until I had been disgusted with the system which pervaded the whole family. I have since heard that not one of the young people have turned out well. One of the daughters eloped from the paternal roof, and made a disgraceful marriage ; and the sons, whom I have heard described as spirited young men, have not continued to brook its restraints. They have broken through them, and have run riot almost to their ruin. But let us tufn fmrp th;s disagreeable episode, as soon as you have told how such evils may be avoided.
M.RS. B. — Uniform but gentle restraint may generally prevent the vices of childhood from gaining ground. £ cannot but be of opinion, that when deceit and disobe- dience have attained strength in the infant mind, it must be attributable either to the neglect or the abuse of paren- tal power. By proper care their growth may generally be checked, and the opposite virtues encouraged. And this may be done without any severe measures, or any diminu- tion of the happiness which nature has allotted to that season of life. No one, who has witnessed the ill-humour and caprice of a petted child, will declare that its happi-
ON TEMPER. 51
ness is comparable to that of the little cheerful being whose will is governed by the superior judgment of its parents. But this subject is worthy of much more consideration than a conversation between you ar 1 myself will permit. Therefore we will close it with observing, that she who desires to govern her children judiciously, must commence her task" by governing herself.
MRS. L. — But before you leave me, I should like to hear you discuss another branch of domestic management, though one of minor importance. Many satisfy themselves that the restraint of their tempers towards their domestics is not requisite, if they set them an example in observance of all the forms of religion, ctnd of avoidance of any acts of immorality ; but I do not imagine that you will allow such latitude.
MRS. B. — Indeed, example is of the greatest importance to our servants, particularly those who are young, whose kabits are frequently formed by the first service they enter. With the mild and good, they become softened and im- proved ; but with the dissipated and violent, are too often disorderly and vicious. It is, therefore, not among the least of the duties incumbent on the heads of families, to place in their view such examples as are worthy their imi- tation. But these examples, otherwise praiseworthy, should neither be rendered disagreeable, nor have their force diminished by any accompaniment of ill-humour. Rather, by the happiness and comfort resulting from our conduct towards our domestics, should they be made sensible of the beauty of virtue and piety.. What we admire, we often strive to imitate ; and thus they might be led on to imbibe good principles, and to form regular and virtuous habits.
It is not within the domestic circle only that good temper should be exercised ; it is an invaluable possession even among the more distant connections of social life. It is a passport with all into their esteem and affection. It give*
52 FORMS OP VISITING.
a grace to the plainest countenance, and to the fairest is an ornament which neither time nor disease will destroy. Every day of life teems with circumstances by which it may be exercised and improved. Towards the husband, it is manifested by forbearance, when he is irritated and vexed ; and by soothing, comforting, and supporting him, when under the pressure of deeper and more afflicting troubles. It is shown towards children and servants, by willingness to promote their enjoyments, while superiority is mildly but steadily exerted, to keep them in proper sub- jection. It is exhibited in every direction, by unwilling- ness to offend ; by not opposing our own opinions and pleasures to the prejudices of others ; and it is above all demonstrated by the cheerful even tenor of spirits that dwells within the well-governed mind, and which renders it happy almost in spite of vexations and sorrows.
CONVERSATION VI.
FORMS OF VISITING. — MORNING CALLS.^-DINNER PARTIES. — EVENING PARTIES.
MRS. L. — Having satisfied me with regard to some im- portant points of conduct, allow me, my dear madam, to consult your experience respecting those minor circum- stances, connected with society and domestic economy, to which newly -married ladies are frequently strangers. It is too much the fashion to confine the attention of juve- nile females* to the acquisition of those accomplishments which may adorn them for the drawing-room, while they neglect to attain useful knowledge until they require it for inm-iediato practice. Of the number of these young
CALLS. 63
Women, I must unhappily count myself ; though f«rhaps more fortunate than many others, in having so kind and experienced a friend as yourself at hand, with whom I can hold such agreeable consultations. In the first place, I wish to know, the forms to be observed in morning vi- siting ; in what manner, and at what time, I am to return the attentions of those whose cards are spread upon my table. ' Some of them, I perceive, have been left by per- sons whom I very highly esteem ; others, by individuals \vith whom I am unacquainted ; and some, even by those with whom I have no desire to be intimate. \ MRS. B. — A newly-married woman, on arriving at her future home, will have to send her cards in return for those which are left at her house, after her marriage. She may afterwards expect the calls of her acquaintance ; for which it is not absolutely necessary to remain at home, although politeness requires that they should be returned as soon as possible. But having; performed this, any further intercourse may be avoided (where it is deemed necessary) by a polite refusal of invitations. Where cards are to be left, the number must be determined according to the various members of which the family called upon is composed. For instance, where there are the mother, aunt, and daughters (the latter having been introduced to society), three cards should be left.
Morning visits should not be long. In this species of intercourse, the manners should be easy and cheerful, and the subjects of conversation such as may be easily ter- minated. The time proper for such visits is too short to admit of serious discussions and arguments. The conduc- of others often, at these times, becomes the subject of re- mark ; but it is dangerous and improper to express opinions of persons and characters upon a recent acquaintance ; and a young married female would do wisely, to sound the opinions and to examine for herself the characters of a new circle of acquaintance, before exposing her own 5*
64 MORNING CALLS.
sentiments. I do not mean that she should be afraid of broaching them, but that she should avoid the possibility of unknowingly giving pain and offence. When she is better acquainted with the circle of which she has become a member, she will see more clearly around her; and then, as she thinks fit, she may diminish her caution. Friendships are acquired and secured by qualities of in- trinsic value ; but among mere acquaintance, it is by plea- sing manners chiefly that we must expect to obtain a favourable reception. The deportment of a bride, in par ticular, is so far important to herself, that it may decide in a degree her future estimation in society.
MRS. L. — 1 have often thought that morning visits are very annoying, both to receive and to pay. They fritter away so ujucn time, without affording any adequate re- turn ; unless, indeed, any thing be gained by hearing the little nothings of the day enlarged upon, and perhaps of acquiring one's self the art of discussing them as if they were matters of deep importance.
MRS. B. — And yet, when it is desirable to keep together a large circle of acquaintance, morning visits cannot very well be dispensed with. You must be aware that as time and circumstances seldom permit the frequent interchange of other visits, our acquaintance would become estranged from us, if our intercourse with them were not occasion- ally renewed by receiving and paying morning visits. A good economist of time will, of course, keep morning visits strictly for this purpose ; and, not considering them as intended merely for amusement, will not make them more frequently than is necessary. By the occasional ap- propriation of a few hours, many debts of this kind may be paid off at once, and thus a season for other pursuits will be provided. The economy of time, so essential to the head of a family, will also prompt certain limitations as to the times of receiving morning visits. To have every morning liable to such interruptions, must be a
HOBOING CALLS. §5
great impediment in the way of more important avocations, and must occasion the useless dissipation of many an hour. Experience has found this out, or the custom of denial would not have become so prevalent.
MRS. L. — What is your opinion of denials ?
MRS. B. — Something may be said on both sides of the question, respecting the propriety of this custom. As the words "not at home" have become synonymous with " being engaged" they neither deceive, nor are intended to deceive ; therefore they may be employed innocently, as far as regards our friends and ourselves ;* but I am not quite so well satisfied as to the effect upon our domestics, whom in the morning we may desire to utter a deliberate falsehood (according to their apprehension) for our conve- nience, and whom in the evening we may find occasion to reprimand for one employed in their own service. How can we expect ignorant servants to discriminate between the falsehood which the use of the phrase " not at home" in its literal meaning conveys, when it is employed to for- bid the intrusion of a visiter at an unseasonable moment, and the meaning which fashion and custom have now attached to it ? I am afraid their integrity is weakened by its use ; and the habit once begun in fre practice of deceit, no one can tell to what greater magnitude it may proceed. Deceit is a growing evil. To say to it " so far shall thou go, and no farther, ' would prove as ineffec- tual as the Danish monarch's prohibition to the ocean. Yet
* Custom may have rendered this fashionable, but it is radically wrong, and tends to undo all the good principles endeavoured to be inculcated in the •ucceeding pages of this work. A wilful, known and downright lie cannot be advocated upon principJesof honour or morality, andouglit to be religiously discarded. Making the words not at home, synonymous with being engaged^ is a gross perversion of language, and can only be made so, by a mental reser- vation of the person who returns such a message, which is not believed by the one who receivps it. It were better to tell the plain truth than a lie, and to reply to a morning call, that you are so engaged as to wish, to be excused from being seen. This might affront some, but not so many as the other method, and the truth would be maintained without injury to a.ny one, Jimer. Ed.
56 HORNING CALLS.
we are told this custom is without remedy. Let us exa- mine this point.
What has given it its present general currency ? What commences and establishes many customs in polite society ? The answer is easy — the caprice or will of some leading personage, who has the power of acting independently of public opinion, together with the influence of fashion in leading those who strive, by following the example of their superiors, to include themselves within the sphere of polite life, without examining either the morality 01 the propriety of the act as it may affect themselves. The most absurd fashions have occasionally prevailed ; defor- mities of which nature was never guilty have been es- teemed elegancies in shape ; and even diseases have had their seasons of admiration, as characteristics of fashion! Sparkling eyes, that might have vied with 1he eagle in strength of vision, have been seen straining through a glass ; and limbs agile and strong have appeared feeble and decrepit by the irresistible mandate of fashion ! Let any woman possessing the needful qualifications for lead- ing thefcw, — beauty, rank, and fortune, — decorate her per- son in the most preposterous and unbecoming mode which she can devise, she will still have her imitators, amidst the throng of inferior beauties, emulous to vie with her in ab- surdity. If fashion be thus powerful, — if by her magic touch she can give attractions to deformity, disease, and folly, — where can be the impossibility, but that one day truth and sincerity may be her characteristics and her test* ?
I would not by these remarks urge a young married woman to become a Quixote in morals, and declare war against custom ; but her aim should be to obviate the evil that may arise from it as much as she can. She may en- deavour to acquaint her servants with the real state of the case ; and explain to them the impossibility of adopting- plainer or more direct language in the present state of society .~My memory presents an instance to me of the
MORNING CALLS. 67
futile attempt Candida made to oppose her practice to this custom. Prior to her marriage she had lived in the country, and her education had been favourable to the ex- treme artlessness of her character, so that when she came to act in a more extended sphere, she shrunk abhorrent from the dissimulation which she saw practised and enforced. Soon after her arrival in the capital, where she was destined to mingle with the fashionable world, sue tbund that the daily intrusion of the idle and the thoughtless so completely destroyed her mornings, which she had been accustomed to devote to reading, drawing, and other studies, that she resolved to see no visiters until after a certain hour in the day ; and desired her tootman to inform those who might call before that time, that she was engaged, and begged fo be excused. She soon tbund the inconvenience of acting with such candour : her insolence and ill-breeding were loudly condemned ; and when she encountered her acquaintance, she perceived their manner to her to be cold and haughty. This trifling instance thus proved to her that her comfort would be disturbed if she did not float with the tide of custom ; and she resolved, while striving to act well in important concerns, to attempt no innovations in the ordinary usages of society.
MRS. L. — I perceive what you wish to enforce. Inno- vations of custom must not be attempted by those in ordi- nary life ; for such an attempt would prove ineffectual, as far as regards the good of society, and be injurious in respect to themselves. Such attempts should proceed only from those of exalted rank, and of peculiar influence j and even in them it would, I think, require mor •* courage and indifference to general opinion than can be desirable in the female character. But will you continue your remarks on the power this custom gives us to restrict the number of morning visiters ?
MRS. B. — This custom cannot be better enforced than towards the idlers of both sexes. If they choose to fritter
58 MOBNING CALLS.
away their time, they have no right to condemn others to do so too, who may have better notions of the value of existence, and of such pursuits as leave them no time to kill. The gay and fashionable idlers of the other sex, in particular, should, without mercy, be doomed to the re- strictions of formal visiting alone ; and this is the more desirable when the husband of a young lady is generally absent from home in a morning, because it has lately be- come fashionable to pay more attention, and to show more undisguised admiration, to young married females (pro- dded they be agreeable) than to the single. The greater intercourse for the few last years with foreigners, and the imitation of their manners, which allow of gallantry to married women alone, may be one cause of this change in English manners. Or it may partly arise from the for- wardness of young ladies to be married, and the too evi- dent desire of many mothers to establish their daughters early in life ; such views, disgusting instead of pleasing, often destroy their hopes and defeat their purpose. But to be the object of gallantry can seldom be either agree- able or flattering to a woman of sense : where superiority ought at once to secure her from any attentions inconsistent with the esteem which that superiority claims.
MRS. L. — The young and lively may be led, almost unknowingly, into improprieties of conduct ; for I am very much inclined to believe, that ignorance and want of re- flection are the first causes of error in our sex.
But to return to minor considerations. — I think I have perceived some care shown in the arrangement of the drawing-room, when visiters were expected. Is this ne- cessary ?
MRS. B. — Morning visiters are generally received in the drawing-room. To preserve this apartment neat, and to exhibit good taste in its decorations and the arrangements of its furniture, are of some importance to the young mis- tress of a family. From these, strangers are apt to form
MORNING CALLS. . 59
an opinion of the character of its proprietor. The draw ing-room is that part of a private house in which decora- tions and embellishments are most in place. It is there the graces of social intercourse are chiefly displayed; where learning relaxes from his gravity of feature ; pe- dantry throws aside his gown and trencher ; and wisdom, with the affability of benevolence, mingles in the amuse- ments, and shares the feelings of the young, the gay, and the lovely. Every thing, therefore, in the drawing-room should be light and elegant . mirrors are here in charac- ter ; and bouquets and flowering plants. The drawing- rooms of the opulent and fashionable have of late been crowded with a thousand fanciful ornaments; such as various articles of old and foreign china, glass baskets, Spanish toys, flowers made of rice and wax, and many other trifles. This fashion is of French origin, and cannot be considered as entirely consistent with good taste. It is, indeed, converting the drawing-room into a bazaar or toy-shop ; but is still more absurd when it is adopted by those who can ill afford to purchase such frivolities. A more rational source of amusement both for the visitants and inmates of the drawing-room may be derived from se- lections of the literature of the day, or from the works of some ot our best authors. This selection should not in- clude productions of an immoral tendency, or those which offend against propriety. Of this description are the Don Juan, and other poems by Lord Byron, and the works of Smollett and Fielding. Although these authors rank high among us, their works must be regarded as unfit for general perusal, because they introduce the reader to characters which had better remain unknown ; and they unveil scenes it were better to conceal. If the artist, who aspires to a correct and pure taste, avoids the study of works of a low and groveling style, so should they who do not desire to debase their minds, shun familiarity with vice, whether in scenes of real life, or in the representations of fiction.
60 MORNING CALLS.
In the arrangement of the drawing-room for receiving morning visiters, the couches, sofetles, and chairs should be placed so as to facilitate the colloquial intercourse of the strangers, without the necessity of a servant entering the room to place them ; and this arrangement, while it is devoid of formality, should be done with some attention to good order. Ease, not carelessness, should predo- minate.
Plants and flowers are pleasing ornaments in a draw- ing-room, and give an exercise for taste in their choice and arrangement. And let me observe, that, though it may not be necessary for a lady to be a botanist or a natu- ralist, yet she ought not to be ignorant of the names and characters of the flowers that adorn her drawing-room. To learn their names, something of their natural history, and (if they are exotics) of their native soil, is soon done, and such slight knowledge often promotes conversation between those who, from slight acquaintance, have with each other few subjects in common, and between whom, conversation, in consequence, flags, and becomes heavy.
It is almost unnecessary to add, that the occupations of drawing, music, and reading, should be suspended on the entrance of morning visiters. But if a lady be engaged with light needlework, and none other is appropriate in the drawing-room, it promotes ease, and is not inconsistent with good breeding to continue it during conversation : particularly if the visit be protracted or the visiters be gentlemen. It was formerly the custom to see visiters to the door on taking leave ; but this is now discontinued. The lady of the house merely rises from her seat, shake? hands or courtesies, according as her intimacy is with the parties, and then ringing the bell to summon a servant to attend them, leaves them to find their way out of the house. Neither is it necessary for a lady to advance to the door to receive her company, who are expected to «nake their way to her, unless, indeed, great age, or marked
DINNER PARTIES. 61
superiority of rank require, according to the usages of so- ciety, a greater degree of attention.
MRS. L. — Is there not some awkwardness attending tins, if servants be not on the alert ?
MRS. B. — There is ; but it is the duty of every mis- tress, to see that her servants understand, and fulfil, what is requisite for the good order of her house, and the com- fort of her visitors.
§ 2. DINNER PARTIES.
MRS. L. — How are dinner parties to be managed?
MRS. B. — Cards for a dinner party should be issued a fortnight, three weeks, or even a month beforehand; and as dulness is less tolerable at one's own table than at any other, care should be taken in the selection of the party, which cannot be otherwise than heavy and dull, if incon- gruously assembled. A very large party is not likely to be as lively and sociable as one of moderate size. A re- mark has somewhere been made, that a dinner party should never be less in number than the graces, nor more than the muses ; but certainly more than ten or twelve in number is not desirable. When a table is very long, the conversation, witticisms, and pleasantries at one end must be lost at the other. When, however, from prudential motives, it is an object to have a restricted number of din- ner parties, they cannot, of course, be of so limited a size : it being settled by all strict economists, that the expense of dinner parties is in proportion to the number given, and not to the size of them.
The extent of a party being determined, the next point to be considered, is the selection of the guests. It is fatal to good humour and enjoyment, to invite those to meet who are known to be disagreeable to each other. The lively and reserved should be mixed together, so as to form an agreeable whole, the one amusing, and the other being:
62 DINNER PARTIES.
amused. An equal number of ladies and gentlemen, neither all old, nor yet all young, should be so mingled, that the conversation may be as varied as the party, uniting the sense and experience of age, with the vivacity and originality of youth. The conversation must, in a great degree, however, be regulated by the host and hostess; who should be always prepared to rouse it when it be- comes heavy, or to change it skilfully when it is likely to turn upon subjects known to be unpleasant to any of their visiters. Such a power over the flow of conversation results generally from early and constantly associating with good company, and from that self-possession which rarely belongs to persons of retired habits. I have been told that Sir Walter Scott possesses this art in a peculiar degree, and exerts it henever the conversation at hi? table approaches towards an argument between two of the party. By imperceptible, but sure means, he checks this monopoly, and turns the conversation into channels o( more general interest.
MRS. L. — When the party is formed, how is the table to be regulated ?
MRS. B. — The regulation of the table is a concern of some nicety; and in this every lady must first exercise her judgment as to its expense, and then show her taste in its arrangement, whatever her establishment may be : whether she have to fix upon her bill of fare with a house- keeper, or with a cook of fewer qualifications, her super- intendence will still be necessary. She should be the best judge what dishes may be too expensive, too heavy, or too unsubstantial. In general, preserves form a part of a dessert, either West Indian or English ; and when the latter are made at home, they are usually better in quality, and one half cheaper, than those purchased at the confectioner's.
MRS. L. — Will you give me some idea of the best method of setting out and arranging a dinner table, for a party of sixteen or twenty ?
DINNER PARTIES. 63
MRS. B. — Fashion, the great arbiter of every thing connected with social life, varies the nature of the courses, and the quantity of viands which must be placed at one time upon the table ; so that the dinner which might be considered as elegant at one time would have an air of vulgarity at another; particular directions, therefore, on this part of your inquiry, can scarcely be given, though by describing a dinner of three courses, for the present time, some idea may be formed, and whichinay be modi- fied to any future change of fashion.
The centre of the table is not now universally occupied by the < ^ergne, or any other centre dish, although at some tables this custom is continued. Nor, unless the party is a large one, is it as usual as it was to have two dishes of fish, and two tureens of soup. One of each, for a party of nine or ten is thought enough ; the soup is placed at the top of the table, the fish at the bottom Sometimes the side dishes, or entries, are served with the soup and fish ; but more commonly they are brought to table with the removes of the soup and fish. The number of these side dishes is four or six, according to the size of the party.
Vegetables are handed round from the side-table. The wines are placed upon the table at first in six decanters, one of each being placed at each corner of the table, and one on each side in the length of the table, while two bottles of some light French or Rhenish wine, undecanted, corked, and placed in silver or plated vases, fill up a space between the ends of the table. Small decanters of water, covered with an inverted tumbler, should be placed by the cover of every second guest, but malt liquors, cider, and other beveraees, are handed by the attendants when called for. In the interval of each course, Champaign, Hock, Burgundy, or Barsac, are handed round to each guest. Cheese is handed round, but the custom of drink- ing Port after it is no longer* in vogue.
64 DINNER PASTIES.
When, according to the continental fashion, the cloth is allowed to remain on the table, it is protected by four small damask cloths, of which the corners meet in the centre of the table, and these are easily removed after the dinner is finished, and before the dessert is brought ; but the more general custom is to remove the cloth before the dessert. Previously, however, a silver, china, or glass dish, containing rose-water, is passed round the table, into which each guest dips the corner of his table-napkin, for the purpose oi refreshing his mouth and fingers, prior to the appearance of the dessert.
The dessert necessarily varies with the season : when that will admit of ripe fruits, the most important, such as grapes, pine-apples, peaches, or apricots, must of course occupy the ends of the table ; while the inferior fruits, such as strawberries and raspberries, with preserves and dried fruits, fill the corners and sides of the table. A Savoy cake, on an elevated dish, is very proper for the centre ; wafers, and any other cakes, may fill up any spaces in the length of the table. In the summer a China pail of ice is generally placed at each end of the table, and served out on glass plates before the wine is circu- lated. Sometimes Noyeau, Cura9oa, Dantzic, Constantia, or some other liqueur, or cordial, is handed to the guests in small glasses, immediately after the ice has been served ; the ice pails and glass plates are removed before the servants leave the room.
The decanted wines placed on the table during dinner are white wines ; either Madeira, Sherry, or Bu9ellus ; those circulated after dinner are Port, Madeira, and Claret. Claret is generally contained in a decanter with a 'handle, and of a peculiar form, and having a heavy stopper.
Directions to the cook should always be closed with strict injunctions to be punctual to time, and to send every thing, which is intended to be eaten hot, to table in proper
DINNEB PASTIES, 6£
reason. Carelessness in these two particulars should not be passed over without reprimand; and if the fault be repeated, it might be as well to part with a servant who has either undertaken a place without possessing for it sufficient qualifications, or who is indifferent to the comfort of her master or mistress, to whom it is a most disagree- able circumstance to be anticipating for a length of time the announcement of dinner, and when announced to find every thing either chilled or overdone.
After the order for dinner has been given, a proper time should be allowed for serving it up, before the host or hostess express their impatience by ringing the bell ; which often hurries and perplexes the servants without expediting their business. It has been calculated that it requires twenty minutes to serve up a dinner; but I be- lieve that this calculation was made when the first course consisted of more dishes than is usually the case now. Perhaps, ten or twelve minutes is a sufficient allowance, especially if the cook has placed every thing in readiness for serving, and has proper assistance; it is impossible for one person to take up a large dinner in moderate time.
The butler, or footman, should be furnished with a pla» of the dinner, drawn out in an intelligible manner, so that he may know how to arrange the dishes on the table : for as much of the elegance of effect, which is always de- sirable on a dinner table, is produced by this arrangement, it ought not to be trusted to the taste or judgment of a servant. .
After the dessert is put on the table with the wine, glasses, &c. ice is sometimes handed round, for which there is an additional plate given to each guest. The butler and another servant remain in the room while the ice is eating, to remove the upper plates when done with. The butler and footman should have every thing in the neatest order, at the side-board and on the table ; with a sufficient quantity of glasses, knives, forks, spoons, &c. in 6*
66 BINNER FABTIES
the room. They should be quiet and rapid in their move- ments ; observant in supplying changes of plates, and in attending to the demands of each guest. They ought not to require being told to change plates, nor should they be permitted to leave the room. The courses should bo quickly removed, but without bustle.
It is always proper, if no housekeeper or butler be kept, that the mistress of her family should give very minute directions to the footman, to prepare the plate the day before a dinner-party is to be gnen. Wax lights should be in readiness, and the lamps, particularly those not in common use, should be cleaned and trimmed.
The table which is to be used must be so proportioned to the size of the party, as neither to inconvenience the guests, by over-crowding them, nor yet to admit of too much space, which has always an uncomfortable appear- ance. The glasses of every description should look clean and bright; and the water in the decanters should be clear, and without sediment. The wines, when not in charge of a butler, should be given out in good time, to be properly decanted and cooled
I am afraid you will think that these directions are more minute than is requisite ; but 1 know that many a young housekeeper has been amazed at the bustle and confusion apparent among her servants at the hour of dinner, and has been mortified at the difficulty of procuring what was required, without being aware, that, had she previously enforced regulations like these, she would have brought them into such habits of order and method, as would have enabled them to discharge their duties easily and quietly. When once good habits are formed in our servants, they will seldom require such minute attention ; for, perceiving Ihe advantages they themselves derive from them, they will generally continue to practise them. Such servants will, of their own accord, clean and put away into their proper places, all the various articles which belong to their
DINNER PARTIES. 67
different departments. Confusion and breakage will be thus avoided, and the ordinary business of the following day not much interrupted.
MRS. L. — Your instructions bring to my recollection the lively and amusing description of a badly-arranged and badly-conducted dinner in one of Miss Edgeworth's stories. Though the scene of that dinner is Dublin, it is not difficult to call to mind some very similar to it in Eng- land. The table groaning under the weight of luxuries ; the domestics hurried and flurried, first at one end of the room, and then at another, without having much notion what to do with themselves ; the lady hostess^ with settled anxiety on her brow, directing the proper position of each dish, and apparently more solicitous for the perfection of the coup-derail of her table, than for the flavour of her viands ; and when, after calling, commanding, and exhorting in vain the poor servant to put into its proper place either the trifle or the custard, her emphatic and reproachful exclama- tion admirably closes the scene, " Oh! Larry! Larry!"
But when dinner is announced, what form then takes place ?
MRS. B. — When dinner is announced, the gentleman of the house selects the lady either distinguished by rank, by age, or by being the greatest stranger in the party, to lead to the dining-room, where he places her by himself. If her husband be of the party, he takes the lady of the house to her place at table, and seats himself by her ; the rest of the party follow in couples; and the hostess ar- ranges them according to their rank, or according to what she imagines may be their expectations ; always, however, placing the greatest strangers among the gentlemen near herself. This arrangement should be effected in an easy, gentle manner, and with as little form as possible.
The trouble of carving generally devolves on the gen- tleman next to the lady. The gentlemen around the table are supposed to pay every attention to the ladies next to
68 DINNER PARTIES.
them ; and it is the duty of the servants to hand round the fish and soup, which are presumed to be generally eaten. It is not, now, the fashion for the presiding lady to pay those very particular attentions to her guests,.which formerly was a formidable task. In this point, however, some discrimination must be shown ; too much attention has the appearance of effort, and annoys ; too little may offend. The lady of the house should never be so much engaged with these attentions as to render her unable to listen to conversation, or to keep it alive : her aim should be to give it an easy transition from one topic to another ; and to guard it from dwelling long on one which is not likely to excite general interest. In fact, a gentlewoman is known in her own house. She may pass unnoticed elsewhere, because there may be nothing striking in her appearance ; but at home, and at her own table, she is instantly discovered. It is with her manners as with her dress ; she does not follow fashion blindly and immode- rately, but rather moulds them into the superior form of good breeding.
It is customary in some houses, which are regarded as fashionable, for the master and mistress to sit together at the head of the table, leaving the lower end in charge of a son, or some male relation or friend ; but this custom has never been sanctioned by general usage, snd is so ob-- jectionable, as far as regards the attention and comfort which every guest has a right to expect from his host, that it is not likely ever to prevail. It is true that bad health, advanced age, or accidental circumstances, may place a gentleman as a guest at his own table ; but when these do not exist, his appropriate situation is, certainly, at the lower end of the table. The same objections do not apply to a lady resigning her situation to the gentleman who would otherwise be placed at her right hand ; be- cause, if he is to carve, he can do so with more ease when situated al the head of the table, and the lady is left more
CARVING. 60
free to distribute her attention and conversation to those who surround her. To a young woman in particular this is allowable ; the graceful deportment of a lady at her own table, which is generally so pleasing to her husband, would be much diminished, if she were either obliged to carve, or her attention were directed too much to the sup- plying the plates of her visiters. Ladies, however, who have been married some years, generally prefer to carve for themselves ; and, as habit has made them expert, they manage it without being too much engrossed by it.
MRS. L. — Although carving may not be absolutely es- sential in a lady, do you not think it a desirable art for every one to acquire ?
MRS. B. — Certainly. Every lady sheu1dbe able, when occasion calls for it, to carve without awkwardness, and should know what are considered the delicate parts of every dish that comes before her, that she may be able to point them out to others. When she herself carves, she has to set an example to her servants of neatness and care ; for, besides the disagreeable appearance of a badly-carved dish, the waste that attends it is not inconsiderable, and it should be remembered, that when carelessness in this par- ticular, or, indeed in any other, characterizes the head of a family, the example spreads throughout every other branch of it.
MRS. L. — Will you oblige me with some directions on this point ?
MRS. B. — The following rules will, perhaps, assist you ; and, to render them more intelligible, they are illustrated by rough drawings, dotted where the joints or contents of the dishes ought to be cut.
In the first place : the carving-knife should be light and sharp ; and it should be firmly grasped ; although in using it, strength is not as essential as skill, particularly if the butcher has properly divided the bones of such joints as the neck, loin, and breast of veal or of mutton.
70 DINNER PARTIES.
The dish should not he far from the carver ; for whea it is too distant, by occasioning the arms to be too much extended, it gives an awkward appearance to the person^ and renders the task more difficult.
In carving fish, care should be taken not to break the flakes, and this is best avoided by the use of a fish trowel, which not being sharp, divides it better than a steel knife. Examine this little drawing, and you will see how a cod's head and shoulders should be carved.*
The first piece may be taken off in the direction of a b, by putting in the trowel at the back or thick part of the fish, and the rest in successive order. A small part of the sound should be given with each slice, and will be found close to the back-bone, by raising the thin flap d. It is known by being darker coloured and more transparent than the other parts of the fish. Almost every part of a cod's head is considered good ; the palate, the tongue, the jelly, and firm parts, e e, upon and immediately around the jaw and bones of the head, are considered as delicate eat- ing by many persons.
* The head and shoulders of a cod contain the richest and best part of thto excellent fish.— Am. Ed.
CARVING. 71
A boiled fowl has the legs bent inward (see Jig. 2.)» and fastened to the sides by a skewer, which is removed before the fowl is -sent to table. A roasted fowl should not have any part of the legs cut off, as in the boiled fowl ; but after they have been properly scraped and washed, they are drawn together at the very extremity of the breast. A boiled and a roasted fowl are each carved in the same manner. The wings are taken off in the di- rection of a to 6 (Jig. 2.). Your knife must divide the joint, but afterwards you have only to take firm hold of the pinion with your fork, draw the wing towards the legs, and you will find that the muscles separate better than if you cut them with your knife. Slip your knife between the leg and the body, and cut to the bone, then with the fork turn the leg back, and, if the fowl be not a very old one, the joints will give way.
Fig. 2.
After the four quarters are thus removed, enter the knife at the breast, in the direction c d (-Jig. 3.), and you will
72 DINNER PARTIES.
*.-
separate the merrythought from the breast-bone ; and by placing your knife under it, lift it up, pressing it back- wards on the dish, and you will easily remove that bone, The collar-bones, e e, lie on each side the merrythought, and are to be lifted up at the broad end, by the knife, and forced towards the breast-bone, till the part which is fast- ened to it breaks off. The breast is next to be separated from the carcass, by cutting through the ribs on each side, from one end of the fowl to the other. The back is then laid upwards, and the knife passed firmly across it, near the middle, while the fork lifts up the other end. The side bones are lastly to be separated ; to do which turn the back from you, and on each side the back-bone, in the direction of g g (Jig. 4.),
Fig. 4.
you will find a joint, which you must separate, and the cutting up of the fowl will be complete.
Ducks and partridges are to be cut up in the same manner; in the latter, however, the merrythought is seldom separated from the breast, unless the birds are very large.
Turkeys and geese have slices cut on each side of the breast-bone, and by beginning to cut from the wings up- wards to the breast-bone, many more slices may be obtained than if you cut from the breast-bone to the wings, although I do not think the slices are quite as handsome as if cut in the latter method.
CARVING. 73
Pigeons (seeflg 6) are either cut from the neck to fl,
which is the fairest way, or from b to c, which is now the most fashionable mode ; and the lower part is esteemed the best.
There are two ways of carving a hare. When it is young, the knife may be entered near the shoulder at a (see Jig. 7.), and cut down to 6, on each side of the back-
hone ; and thus the hare will be divided into three parts. The back is to be again divided into four parts, where the dotted lines are in the cut : these and the legs are con- sidered the best parts, though the shoulders are preferred by some, and are to be taken off in the direction of c d e 7
74 DINNER PARTIES.
The pieces should be laid neatly on the plates, as they are separated, and each plate served with stuffing and gravy. When the hare is old, it is better not to attempt the division down the back, which would require much strength ; but the legs should be separated from the body at^ and then the meat cut off from each side, and divided into mode- rate-sized pieces. If the brains and ears are required, cut off the head, and put your knife between the upper and lower jaw, and divide them, which will enable you to lay the upper jaw flat on the dish : then force the point of your knife into the centre, and having cut the head into two parts, distribute the brains with the ears to those who like them.
Rabbits are carved in the same manner as a hare, except that the back is divided only into two pieces, which, with the legs, are considered the most delicate parts.
A Ham is generally cut in the direction of a to 6, Jig. 8.,
Fig. 8.
down to the bone, and through the prime part of the ham. Another way is to cut a small hole at c, and to enlarge it by cutting circular pieces out of it ; this method brings you to the best part of the ham directly, and has an ad- vantage over the other in keeping in the gravy.
A leg of mutton is more easily carved than any other joint, but nevertheless there is a mode of doing it neatly, which should be observed. The first slice should be
CAKVING. 76
taken out at a (fig. 9.) between the knuckle b and the Fig. 9»
1hick end ; and the second and subsequent slices should be cut in this direction* until you are stopped by the cramp-bone at c ; then turn it up, and take the remaining slices from the back, in a longitudinal direction. When Ihe leg is rather lean, help some fat from the broad end with each slice. The best and most juicy slices are to- wards the broad end : but some persons prefer the knuckle : and where economy is an object, the knuckle should always be eaten when the joint is hot, as it becomes very dry when cold. If the joint is to be brought again to table, it has a much neater and more respectable ap- pearance if it be helped, altogether, from the knuckle end, when it is hot. This direction may appear trifling ; but a good economist knows the importance of carving-, when the circumstances of a family require that a joint be brought a second time to table.
76
DINNER PARTIES.
A haunch of venison (fig. 10.) should be cut down tc- Fig. 10.
a,
the bone in the direction of the line a b c, by which means the gravy is allowed to flow out : then the carver, turning the broad end of the haunch towards him, should cut in deep from b to d. He then cuts thin slices in the same direction, taking care to give to each person whom he helps a due proportion of fat, which is, by lovers of veni- son, highly prized : there is generally more of this delicacy on the left side of b d than on the other side.
A haunch of mutton is carved in the same manner as venison.
A saddle of mutton (fig. 11.) is cut from the tail to the Fig. 11.
CABVIXti. 77
end on each side the back-bone, in the direction of the lines a 6, continuing downwards to the edge c, until it be- come too fat. The slices should be cut thin, and if the joint be a large one, they may be divided into two parts. The fat will be found on the sides.
A sucking pig is cut up before it is sent to table. The ribs may be divided into two parts as well as the joints. The ribs are considered the finest part, and the neck end under the shoulder. Part of the kidneys should be added to each helping.
A shoulder of mutton, if properly roasted, is supposed to yield many choice pieces, but this depends very much upon the carver. The first cut should be in the direction r- & (fig- 120 J an(*» a^er taking a few slices on each side
Fig. 12.
of the gap which follows the first cut, some good slices may be obtained on each side of the ridge of the shoulder- blade, in the direction c d. When the party is numerous, slices may be taken from the under side ; and it is on this side, under the edge c, that the fat is found.*
* Another way of carving a shoulder of mutton, and one which many persons prefer, is in slices from the knuckle to the broad end of the shoulder, beginning on the outside. See the lines / and a-.
<U DINNEB PARTIES.
MRS. L.— Will you oblige me by specifying, more particularly, the parts which are considered as the most delicate of those dishes which are usually placed at the head of the table ?
MRS. B. — Of a Turbot the thickest part is considered the best ; but the fins are regarded as delicacies, and a small portion of them should be offered to every one to whom the fish is sent. Those, however, who care less for appearance and fashion, and are acquainted with this fish, prefer the back or brown side ; and it certainly has more flavour than the white side.
Of Salmon a portion both of the thick and the thin part should be given ; but of Cod, the thin part not being ge- nerally reckoned the best, the thick white flakes, with the sound and the firm parts about the head, are the most esteemed. The middle part of Soles, Haddocks, large Whitings, and Trout, is the preferable part, but the tail end is the best part of the Mackarel. A part of the roe or milt and liver, should be distributed to each plate ; and in helping flaky fish, such as cod and haddock, care should be taken to lift the flakes from the bone without breaking them.
Though few joints are placed at the head of the table, still it is desirable that every lady should be able to carve them judiciously. In a Breast of Veal, the best slices are to be had from the brisket ; in a Leg of Lamb, from the middle, between the knuckle and the thick end. In the CalPs Head, the fleshy glandular portion near the neck is the best : whilst the eye, neatly taken out with the point of the carving-knife, and the palate, are the most delicate parts.
The breasts, the wings, and the merry-thoughts of all kinds of poultry, and feathered game, are the most es- teemed, with the exception of the Woodcock, the legs of which are preferred to any other part. The tip of the wing of the Partridge is a morsel highly prized by the epicure in eating.
DRINKING HEALTHS. 79
MRS. L.— Can a lady refuse to take wine with a gen- tleman when requested ?
MRS. B. — It is not the custom to refuse the request, nor is it considered polite ; though 1 think it may be done, provided the manner in which it is done be so tempered by politeness as to avoid the unpleasantness of offending.*
MRS. L. — What is your opinion with regard to the dis- continuance of the old custom of drinking healths ?
MRS. B. — I think the total omission of the old custom not altogether defensible ; for, although the routine of drinking healths by every individual is a formality which may be well dispensed with, yet I should prefer the an- cient fashion to be preserved, as far as regards the friends at whose social board we are guests, and whose attentions seem to claim some acknowledgment and tribute of respect on our parts. There is in my mind an apparent heartless- ness in the present fashion ; and a little of that honest warmth which characterized the rude hospitality of our forefathers would not detract from the refinement of the present age, but would increase the pleasures of the social table. Toasts, on the contrary, are properly exploded ; for they restrained the liberty of the guest, and forced him to take more wine than he might desire ; and although few were ever given in the presence of the ladies, yet those that passed after they had retired kept the gentlemen from the drawing-room in the evening, which you may think a sufficient reason why the female part of society should discountenance the drinking of toasts.
MRS. L. — Will you permit me to say, that I think the ladies retire, in general, too soon from the dining-room. I have perceived the lady of the house, frequently, rest- less and uneasy, until she could find an opportunity of carrying off the female part of her visiters ; and as every
* In taking a glass of wine, it is not necessary that a lady should drink it. By merely tasting, she performs all that politeness requires, and thereby avoids giving offence.— Amtr. Ed.
80 DINNER PARTIES.
gentleman to whom I have spoken on this subject has condemned this fashion, I should wish to hear your opi- nion as to the time at which the withdrawing should take place.
MRS. B. — The custom for the ladies to retire soon after dinner is the relic of a barbarous age, when the bottle circulated so freely, and toast upon toast succeeded each other so rapidly, that the gentlemen of a company soon became unfit to conduct themselves with the decorum es- sential in the presence of the female sex. But in the pre- sent age, when temperance is a striking feature in the character of a gentleman ; and when delicacy of conduct towards the female sex has increased with the esteem in which they are now held, on account of their superior education and attainments, the early withdrawing of the ladies from the dining-room is to be deprecated ; as it prevents much conversation which might afford gratifica- tion and amusement, both to the ladies and the gentle- men. The truth of this remark is almost generally ac- knowledged in polite circles ; and it is not, now, customary for the ladies to retire very soon after dinner. A lapse in the conversation will occasionally indicate a seasonable time for the change to take place.
I may take this opportunity of remarking, that servants should be instructed to attend to the drawing-room fire, and to prepare the lights after dinner. Prints, periodical works, or other publications of a light kind, ought to be dispersed about the room, and are sometimes useful to engage the attention, when any thing like ennui is ob- servable. Coffee should be brought up soon, and the gen- tlemen summoned.
MRS. L. — It is not usual, I believe, for a lady to be in full dress when she entertains a party at dinner.
MRS. B. — The dress of a lady at dinner parties should be plainer at home than abroad ; otherwise a reflection might be implied on such of her guests whose dress is in-
EVENING PARTIES. 81
ferior; bul, in the evening parties, the lady of the house is generally full dressed.
§ 3. EVENING PARTIES.
MRS. L. — You have obliged me very much by these useful directions for the conducting of a dinner party. Will you now give me some instructions on the manage- ment of evening parties ?
MRS. B. — Evening parties have various denominations, but differ from each other rather in the amusements than in the manner of conducting them. They consist of balls, at which, you know, dancing alone is the amusement : — routs, which comprehend a crowd of persons in full dress assembled to pay their respects to the lady of the house, and to converse, occasionally, with such of their ac- quaintance as they may chance to encounter in the throng : — conversaziones, in which, as the term implies, conver- sation has the lead; but the tedium which this might occasion to some of the guests, by its unvaried continuance, is prevented by the occasional introduction of music and dancing, and card parties.
MRS. L.— How long before a ball is given should the invitations be issued ?
MRS. B.— A month at least, or even six weeks ; and the invitation (printed from a copper-plate on cards) is usually either in this form, or in the one that follows :
Mrs.
AT HOME,
Tuesday, May, 30th.
Quadrille*.
82 EVENING PABTTES.
Mrs. C1 H REQUESTS THE PLEASURE OF
Mr. and Mrs. W— M—'s COMPANY TO AN EVENING PARTY,
Wednesday, March f>th.
Dancing. The Favour of an Answer is desired.
As the company is generally numerous at balls, it is neither necessary, nor is it expected, to be so select as at smaller parties. On these occasions the rooms may be well filled, although too great a crowd should be avoided. The majority ought, of course, to be juvenile, and the number of gentlemen should be equal to, or even exceed, that of the ladies.
I need scarcely remind you of the great advantage of being beforehand, in all the necessary preparations for parties of every kind. Early in the day, the sofas, chairs, and tables should be removed, as well as every other piece of furniture which is likely either to be in the way Or to be injured : forms should be placed round the walls of the room, as occupying less space than chairs, and ac- commodating more persons with seats. A ball-room should be brilliantly lighted, and this is done in the best style by a chandelier or lamp suspended from the centre of the ceiling, which diffuses an equal light, while it adds to the elegant appearance of the room. Lustres placed on the mantel-piece, and branches on tripods in the corners of the room, are also extremely ornamental.
MRS. L.— I hope you recommend chalking the floor, which is not only ornamental, but useful, as I know by experience, in preventing those awkward and disagree-
BALLS. 83
able accidents which a slippery floor inevitably occasions among the lively votaries of Terpsichore.
MRS. B. — A chalked floor is useful, too, in disguising, for the time, an old or ill-coloured floor, which would otherwise form a miserable contrast to the elegant chan- deliers, and the well-dressed belles and beaux. When the season will allow it, we must not forget to fill the fire- place with flowers and plants, which, indeed, form an ap- propriate and pleasing ornament on the landing-places, and in other parts of the house through which the guests may have to pass.
In consulting the beauty of the fair visitants, those flowers should be selected which reflect colours in har- mony with the human complexion ; as, for example, the Rose, the early white Azalea, the white and pink Hyacinth, and other flowers of similar tints. There should not be an over proportion of green : for, as this colour reflects the blue and yellow rays, it is by no means favourable to the female complexion ; and still worse are yellow and orange-coloured groups, whether of natural or artificial flowers. In some degree, however, the flowers should be chosen to harmonize also with the colour of the paper, or the walls of the ball-room.
The music should always be good, as much of the pleasure of dancing depends upon it. Violins, with harp and flute accompaniments, form the most agreeable band for dancing.
The lady of the house, who Is expected to appear in rather conspicuous full dress, should be in readiness to receive her guests in good time ; allowing herself a few minutes' leisure to survey her rooms, to ascertain that every thing is in proper order, and that nothing is defective in any of her arrangements. The arrival of her guests will be between the hours of nine and twelve.
A retiring room should be in readiness for ladies who may wish to disburthen themselves of shawls and cloaks ;
84 EVENING PARTIES.
and here a female should be in attendance to receive them, and to perform any little office of neatness which a lady's dress may accidentally require. Tea and coffee may also be presented in this room, if any be deemed neces- sary ; but of late the custom of introducing these refresh- ments at balls has been nearly abolished.
Three men servants, at least, are necessary, and as many more as the sphere of life of the individual who gives the ball sanctions. One servant should attend at the door of the house ; and receiving the names of the company as they arrive, he should transmit them to another, who should conduct the party into the ante-room, while he in turn communicates their arrival to a third at the drawing-room door, who should announce them to the lady of the house. Her station should be as near the entrance of the room as possible, that her friends may not have to search for her to whom, of course, they wish first to pay their respects, and from whom they expect their welcome. As soon as a sufficient number of dancers are arrived, the young people should be introduced to partners, that they may not, by any unreasonable delay of their expected amusement, lose their self-complacency, and cast the reflection of dulness on the party. When the lady of the house is a dancer, she generally commences the dance ; but when this is not the case, her husband should lead out the greatest stranger, or person of highest rank present : and while one dance is proceeding, la Maitresse du bal, if a French term be allowable, should be preparing another set of dancers to take the place of those upon the floor as soon as they have finished. Nothing displays more want of management and method, than a dead pause after a dance ; while the lady,all confusion at so disagreeable a circumst mce,is beg- ging those to take their places who have, perhaps, never bee« introduced to partners. There should be no mono- poly of this delightful recreation, but all the dancers in ihe parry should enjoy it in regular succession.
BALLS. 85
Refreshments, such as ices, lemonade, negus, and small rout cakes, should be handed round between every two OF three dances, unless a room be appropriated for such refreshments. Supper should be announced at half-past twelve or at one o'clock, never later : and each gentleman should then be requested to take charge of a lady to the supper-room. Both with regard to the pleasure of her company, and her own comfort, La Maitresse would do well to discountenance the habit, which is sometimes sanctioned, of the gentlemen remaining long in the supper- room after the ladies have retired.
MRS. L. — Indeed, I entirely agree with you in this opinion, for when the gentlemen remain in the supper- room, it frequently causes a formal party of silent and listless fair ones, who seem to consider this temporary suspension of their amusement as an evil of sufficient magnitude to rob their countenances of the smiles of cheerfulness and good-humour, which they had worn during the preceding part of the evening. As our gentle islanders lose half their charms when they lose their good humour, it is charitable to them to prevent, if possible, this half-hour of discomfiture. Of what, my dear madam, should a supper for such a party consist ? Is it an expen- sive addition to the entertainment ?
MRS. B. — The variety of little delicacies of which sup- pers generally consist, makes them rather expensive. The table is usually crowded with dishes, which, how- ever, contain nothing of a more solid nature than chickens, tongue, collared eels, prawns, lobsters,* trifles, jellies* blancmange, whips, fruit, ornamental confectionary, &c. French wines are frequently presented at suppers. As it would be scarcely possible to seat a very large party at once at a supper-table, it is advisable to keep one part of
* To these may be added, ham cut into thin slices, and oysters both stewed and pickled. Prawns are not to be obtained ; and eels, though a good eatabte fish, are too common, and not fashionable in the United Stales.— .imer. Ed S
86 EVENING PARTIES.
the company dancing in the ball-room, while another is at supper : and, even in this case, the gentlemen need not be seated nor sup until the ladies have retired. Very little apparent exertion is necessary in the lady of the house, yet should she contrive to speak to most of her guests some time during the evening, and to the greatest strangers she should pay more marked attention.
MRS. L. — What ceremonies are to be observed at routs ?
MRS. B.— The preparations for a rout, with the excep- tion of removing the carpet, chalking the floor, and provi- ding music and a supper, are similar to those for a ball. The same announcements are requisite ; the lady of the house is required to receive her guests in the same man- ner ; and refreshments are to be provided in the waiting- Foom : but, farther, the assembled groups are left to amuse themselves, if amusement can be found in a crowd resem- bling that which fills the lobbies of a theatre on the first night of a new performance. To a person unacquainted with fashionable life, nothing can appear more extraordi- nary than the influence of fashion in these gregarious as- semblies. The secret, however, is this : — few expect any gratification from the rout itself; but the whole pleasure consists in the anticipation of the following days' gossip, Avhich the faintings, tearing of dresses, and elbowings which have occurred, are likely to afford. To meet a fashionable friend next day in the Park, without having been at Lady A— *s, would be sufficient to exclude the ab- sentee from any claim to ton; while to have been squeezed into a corner with the Marchioness of B — , or the Duchess of C — , is a most enviable event, and capable of affording conversation for at least ten days.
MRS. L.— Are conversaziones conducted in the same manner ?
MRS. B.— Not exactly. Conversaziones are more select
• meetings both in respect to the number and the characters
of the individuals who are invited. To routs the invita
CAHD PARTIES. 87
lions are general and unlimited; to conversaziones they are limited, and the individuals are, at least, supposed to possess a taste for information, whether obtained from books or from conversation.
This description of evening amusement is not, however, general, but is confined either to literary circles, or to those persons of rank and fortune who wish to patronise litera- ture. When you wish to give a conversazione, the party should be selected with some care ; and although persons of the same pursuits should be brought together, yet individuals of the most opposite characters and acquire- ments should also be invited, to give variety and interest to the conversation, which is the object of the assembly. The tables should be spread with the newest publications, prints, and drawings : shells, fossils, and other natural pro- ductions should, also, be introduced, to excite attention and promote remark.
MRS. L. — This is a most rational species of entertain- ment. Why is it so little in fashion ?
MRS. B. — One cause of its rarity is the mania which prevails for music, without which no species of entertain- ment is regarded worthy of attention. This is a circum- stance to be lamented, for nothing would contribute more to the general diffusion of information, and consequently to the improvement of society.
MRS. L. — How are card parties conducted ?
MRS. B. — The invitations to these are similar to those issued for routs and balls, with the change of the word, " quadrilles," to " cards." As many should be invited as will fill up a certain number of whist tables, with the addition of a loo or round table. Tea and coffee are handed to the guests on their arrival, and wine, cakes, and ices are handed round to the players at intervals during the evening. Each whist table should be furnished with at least two new packs of cards, differently coloured on the backs, besides counters for markers. The lady of the
88 EVENING PASTIES.
house generally fixes the value of the points, which deter- mine the game; and she should, also, be prepared to change the players at table, as soon as the rubber is de- clared to be over As all the company is not always engaged in play, the lady of the house, as well as her husband, should remain disengaged, to lead into conversa- tion those who are strangers to one another, and to promote the general amusement of the guests.
MRS. L. — According to your account, conversaziones and card parties may be united ?
MRS. B. — Certainly ; and these are, perhaps, the most rational description of evening entertainments in the me- tropolis. The introduction of cards, takes off the air ot pedantry which is supposed to pervade a pure conver- sazione, while the introduction of conversation at card par- ties, sets aside the character of gaming, which might be attached 10 a party met solely for the purposes of play. Many of our ablest men of science and in literature, are fond of whist, and would willingly go to such a mixed party, although they would hesitate to attend one purely conversational, or convened solely for card-playing.
Such are the forms of visiting in London and its imme- diate neighbourhood. Perhaps in other parts of the king- dom there may be, in some few particulars, a difference in form, but I do not apprehend that to be the case in any essential points. But it is now time to dress for dinner, and I am afraid this conversation is not closed before you are completely tired of its minuteness in detail.
89
CONVERSATION VII.
ECONOMY.— DRESS AND EXPENSIVE TASTES. — COLLECTIONS OF WORKS OF ART. — OLD CHINA.— LIBERALITY.— BENE- VOLENCE.— PRESENTS. — FASHION.
MRS. B. — The subjects upon which I intend to turn our conversation to-day, may not, on the first view, appear to you of much importance ; yet I do not believe you will find, after a little consideration, the time ill spent which we may devote to them. Want of judgment and reflection on some of the points to which I allude, have frequently occasioned inconvenience and anxiety; and in some in- stances within my recollection, have even led to impro- priety and meanness of conduct highly censurable.
MRS. L. — I suppose it is of economy you propose to speak. That is a subject which wears too sober an aspect, to be much courted by the young and the gay ; and I own that hitherto I have very little considered it, or encouraged the habit of attending to its precepts. I am, however, aware that my negligence on this point can no longer escape with impunity ; for I find already that the claims on my purse are much increased in my new sphere of action. Perhaps, too, a feeling of regret, that I am as yet so complete a novice in many things which are become essential to my comfort, makes me enter upon this topic with more willingness than I once thought it could ever command from me.
MRS. B. — A nearer view of this subject will, I am per- suaded, diminish its sombre aspect. It is not parsimony, but the just appropriation of income, according to the rank, style, and fortune of every individual, that I desire to enforce. Economy, in this light, is a virtue as worthy 8*
90 ECONOMY.
to be practised by the affluent, as by those in limited cir- cumstances. Whenever I hear of the rich acting with the littleness of the poor, — of their being compelled, not only to restrain every generous impulse, but to delay the pay- ment of their just debts, frequently to the detriment of honest and laborious people, — I cannot but lament their neglect of this virtue, the observance of which could not fail to prevent these inconveniences, and increase the com- fort and cheerfulness of general society ; while it would add lustre to the rank and character of the great. If those who have limited incomes do not make economy their rule, by adapting their habits to their fortunes, and by a judicious arrangement of their expenses, numberless must be the inconveniences and trials they are doomed to undergo. Necessity will, indeed, teach them a hard les- son, which the practice of economy might have spared them. Extravagance is certainly a levelling principle, which renders all its votaries alike needy ; while economy, if it have not the power of alchymy, at least confers a twofold value on every possession.
MRS. L. — I have hitherto considered economy as a mean quality, unwortlr my attention, or as requisite only among the humble orders of the community; but this notion, you will tell me, has its origin from misapprehension of the term economy
MRS. B. — Your remark is very true. The species of economy which is of general use, is a judicious adaptation of expenditure to income (as I have before remarked), and not the constant struggle to diminish expenses, and to save in every iota. When necessity requires this kind of economy, she teaches it at the same time experimentally, which is more effectual than any theoretical lesson. But when inclination alone prompts the vigilant effort to save, a narrow and avaricious spirit is betrayed, which should be checked as early as possible, lest it should in later life be visible in all the ugliness of parsimony.
DRESS. 91
We will suppose that the necessary expenditure of an establishment, suitable to the rank and circumstances of every newly-married couple, has been ascertained, as in your case ; and that such regulations have been laid down as may tend to keep it within its proper bounds ; then, the next point to be investigated is the extent to which personal expenses and tastes may pro- red.
MRS. L. — Will you favour me with your opinion on dress, which appears to me to be generally too much studied before marriage, and too little ai'terwards ?
MRS. B. — I am afraid your remark cannot be considered as unjust, though I am inclined to think that negligence in dress is a less common failing in these days than it was half a century ago. The want of mental arrangement, of which it is a disgusting proof, is not in the present day left to the counteracting influence of vanity alone, but to the regular and systematic education, which almost every one now receives.
MRS. L. — But I think I have observed that some who possess superior talents and acquirements have been very inattentive to the minor duties of life, and have apparently imagined themselves free to omit those observances which, in my opinion, form the propriety of the female character. How can you reconcile this remark to the assertion which you have just made respecting the effect of modern educa- tion, in giving order and regulation to the mind?
MRS. B. — We must not condemn a system because all do not profit by it equally, although it is true that talents and acquirements lose half their value, when they cause a neglect of any quality by which the comfort or well- doing of a domestic circle may be promoted. Accom- plishments may claim some share of time and attention for the purpose of ornamenting and refining social life, but they should never engross the mind so much as to render impossible or distasteful the fulfilment of every branch of duty, whether of great or of little importance.
92 DRESS.
MRS. L.— Do you not think that a husband has reason to complain, if his wife become negligent of her personal appearance ?
MRS. B. — Certainly ; and she is deserving of censure if her aim to please him, as her husband, be less than that which she exerted to secure him as her lover. That effort which was an act of inclination before her marriage, she should consider as a point of duty afterwards ; nor should inattention to any thing agreeable to him, give rise to the mortifying suspicion, that the desire to please him is not so impelling a principle of action, as he had perhaps flattered himself it might always have been. Few hus- bands are indifferent to the personal appearance of their wives ; and still fewer there are who do not regard negli- gence in dress with even more disgust than it perhaps deserves : though when it arrives at its most aggravated state of slovenliness and want of cleanliness, it becomes a vice, and can scarcely be too much contemned. When this is perceptible in the married female, it needs no augury to foretell the approach of want of order and regu- larity in her family, and the loss of the esteem and affection of her husband. I remember a young couple, with whom I became acquainted during a season I spent at Chelten- ham, who appeared to enter into married life with every advantage which health, competency, good dispositions, and partial friends, could afford. They were young, and agreeable in manners, conversation, and person : to each other they appeared, and really were, strongly attached : the most perfect confidence subsisted between them : the wife good-humouredly acquiesced in the wishes, and in- terested herself in the pursuits, of the husband : while he, in his turn, was proud of her accomplishments, and de- lighted with her natural vivacity. They seemed to be (to use a common phrase) cut out for a happy couple. I really experienced considerable regret in parting with this juvenile pair; and -was not reluctant to promise them a
DRESS. 93
visit at some future time, at their residence in one of the midland counties, a spot, as described to me by the young man, formed by nature into all that is lovely, and improved by art into all that is elegant and comfortable. Of the truth of this representation I was enabled ibur years after- wards to judge, by paying my long-promised visit.
I found my young friends the parents of three blooming children. Their house appeared to me to afford ample accommodation for such a family ; their servants were nu- merous, and there seemed to be no want of that ready command of money which enables us to obtain every or- dinary comfort. Yet I soon discovered that something was deficient : I heard the husband incessantly complain of the negligence of his servants, the mischievous dispo- sition of his children, and the disorder of the various apartments into which he had occasion to enter; yet, though he had at times an air of petulancy, he did not appear to be an ill-tempered man. I could, however, per- ceive, that these annoyances gave him little chagrin in comparison with the daily attire ot his wife. It was, in- deed, very different from that which she had generally worn during the time she passed at Cheltenham. The quality of her clothes was not inferior ; rather the con- trary, for she appeared to think that what was wanting in neatness and grace, might be compensated by expense and profusion.
If she dressed herself for dinner, her gown was more sumptuous than the occasion required, but its soiled and crumpled appearance, and the slovenly manner in which it was put on, destroyed all the effect she intended, and gave a vulgarity to her appearance which, it was evident, her husband perceived and regretted. Her hair, which she had formerly dressed with attention, was usually in such a state of disorder, that no cap or bonnet could be- come her ; and the other arrangements of her dress were equally neglected.
94 DBESS.
There are some circumstances, mere trifles, indeed. which strongly mark a woman of negligent and uncleanly habits ; these are, want of attention to the hair, the teeth, the nails, and to the neatness of the shoe, and the quality and cleanliness of the stocking. Females who are, in youth, careless in these respects, have seldom much order ©r arrangement in other particulars.
This was the case with uiy young friend. Her children were proofs of her habitual and increasing negligence : their persons, as well as their clothes, were dirty, and their habits disagreeable. Her servants, over whom a regular and watchful restraint was never exercised, evinced how little importance their mistress attached to order and cleanliness, by their indifference to them. Her house, which had originally every requisite for comfort which modern ingenuity can supply, was neither an agreeable nor a peaceful residence. Her husband, although at heart much attached to his wife, had the painful emotion of being ashamed of his house, and ashamed of his wife ; — and, where a man ceases to feel some portion of pride in fhe companion he has chosen, disgust soon step* in, and discord follows.
I have since heard that my Cheltenham acquaintance are spoken of in their own neighbourhood as a very un- toappy couple. I cannot forbear attributing their uneasi- ness to the want of attention dis » laved by the wife to matters trifling in themselves ; but which, from daily re- currence, make up a considerable portion of the sum of domestic happiness.
MRS. L.— But surely a woman would not be .justified in paying much attention to dress, when she has a family to regulate and control ?
MRS. B. — Too great an attention to the cares of the toilet is not only an error in itself, but, in many instances, its attendant expenses are truly vexatious. Dress, it is Irue, may be considered as the criterion of a woman's
EXPENSIVE TASTES. 96
taste. One moment's survey decides the question, " Is it good or bad ?" And even in this glance, the spectator does not neglect to take into the account, whether the dress in question.be suitable to the station in life, to the circum- stances of the time, the figure, and the complexion of its wearer. If he perceive that fashion has not been servilely or implicitly followed ; that peculiarity has been avoided, and simplicity preferred to splendour, the opinion he forms must be in favour of her taste ; and the supposition follows, of course, that the good sense which directs her choice of attire, will have us influence over every thin^ of vvhicb she has the direction and control.
On the contrary, the want of propriety of dress, whether shown in the neglect of the person, or by a too studied and extravagant pursuit of fashion, makes a more unfavourable impression on an observing mind, than mere absence of taste would produce. In the one case indolence, self-in- dulgence, and many other symptoms of an ill-regulated mind, are betrayed ; and in the other the suspicion cannot fail to arise, that the mind is frivolous and vain, which has evidently bestowed so much precious time on exterior de- coration.
I am inclined, also, to suspect, that those females whose dress, when in public or in company, appears so minutely studied, are frequently negligent and slovenly in their hours of domestic retirement; thus, for the vain-glory of a few hours, are money, time, and thought squandered, which would have been amply sufficient to have adorned, cheered, and refined whole seasons of domestic life.
Another error, or rather folly, is not uncommon ; I mean that of attempting to vie in dress with those whom supe- rior station and fortune entitle to exterior distinction. To do this, is to abandon propriety and good taste, and to render ourselves liable to, and deserving of ridicule and contempt ; besides incurring the more serious inconve- niences arising from any expense which is incompatible with our fortunes.
96 COLLECTIONS OP WOKKS OP ABT.
MRS. L. — There are several objects of taste in which f am inclined to indulge, provided 1 can do so prudently ; but as I am gaining wisdom by your instructions, I shall not be so ready as formerly to gratify any propensity, at the expense of prudence.
MRS. B. — Under due regulations you may indulge most of the tastes you have formerly cultivated ; especially those which direct the attention to subjects of an improving nature. Some are anxious to collect shells, those beautiful productions of the deep, which interest almost every eye ; some, the still ioveuer ornaments which nature presents in the vegetable kingdom ; and others the choicest works of art. But the best collections of shells must be viewed as mere baubles, affording only childish pleasure, if unac- companied by some acquaintance with the nature and habits of their briny, little artificers. The simplest plant, also, that ornaments the garden or the green-house, would, if examined, tell a tale of wonder, which might doubly augment the delight with which its form and colours are surveyed ; and the finest collection of engravings may be turned over carelessly and listlessly, only for want of that general knowledge, by which the mind receives an insight into the merits and beauties of every specimen of art. Too many admire these because it is fashionable to do so, without feeling any interest in the productions of nature, or having any taste for the merits of the works of art ; pre- ferring the risk of having their false pretensions to knowl- edge discovered, rather than take the trouble of acquiring it. I have seen very fine collections of paintings and drawings in the possession of ladies, who knew scarcely a single reason for the admiration which they drew forth from their visiters, beyond what had been drilled into them by those upon whose better judgment they had relied. To display a collection under sucn circumstances is to emblazon ignorance.
MRS. L. — What is your opinion of the collectors of old china ?
BENEVOLENCE AND CHASITY. 97
MRS. B.— The taste, if it deserve that name, for old china, has been introduced by fashion ; and as the value of such collections depends chiefly upon so arbitrary and versatile a power, it is not a research worthy of much in- dulgence. To spend any considerable sum of money or time on things which in a few years may be disregarded and banished to some dark closet, or dusty shelf, is no proof either of taste or of prudence
Expensive inclinations must be drawn within very con- fined bounds indeed, when the income is small. No pleasure which their gratification can afford, could com- pensate for the painful consciousness of neglecting the dictates of prudence ; or of feeling incapable to answer the just demands of creditors, v\ ho gain their maintenance hardly enough, without having the additional anxiety of awaiting their remuneration to an indefinite and remote period ; but, independent of such considerations, the mother of a family should carefully suppress expensive tastes, on the score of example ; as her daughters may not, when married, be able to gratify similar fancies, without the sacrifice of prudence.
MRS. L. — And after all, these tastes must yield prece- dence to the superior claims of liberality and benevolence. Even these, you will tell me, may be carried too far.
MRS. B. — Surely they must have their limits prescribed, as well as every thing else, although, when exercised with discretion, what can be more pleasing or more likely to encourage reciprocity of kindly feeling in all around us ? A liberal spirit gives a charm to existence, which cannot be comprehended by a narrow and selfish disposition.
Let us enter more freely on the claims of charity, both an our purse and on our personal exertions. You, who have every luxury around you, cannot but desire to dispense a portion of your superfluity, in comforting the sick and needy, or in aiding the unfortunate in their struggles with adversity.
98 BENEVOLENCE AXD CHARITY.
MRS. L.— Indeed, I hope I shall not hesitate to sacrifice some of the baubles of life, or even a few of its comforts, if necessary, in the exercise of the duties, I may say the pleasures, of benevolence.
MRS. B. — To cultivate benevolence is a duty we owe to ourselves as well as to our fellow-creatures, and no limitation of fortune should exclude the desire to aid and comfort the afflicted, though that desire must be under the constant control of prudence and judgment. It was the spirit of benevolence and humility with which the widow gave her mite, that enhanced its value beyond all the riches cast into the treasury : and her example affords encouragement to those whose inclinations to do good ex- ceed their abilities ; it is an exhortation to all of us " to go and do likewise."
MRS. L. — Political economists censure the charity of English women, as having tended, with many other cir- cumstances, to destroy a laudable spirit of independence among the lower orders of the community, who now claim relief and assistance from the benevolent, rather as a right than as a gratuity.
MRS. B. — Much may be said on that subject ; but you and I not being reformists, can only seek to direct our conduct skilfully, and to adapt it to existing circumstances. Women may have erred, and may still err, as political economists ; but who would wish them to subdue, with the cold arguments of the statesman, some of the best feelings with which their hearts can be animated ? Beauty pleading for the woes of others, the poet knows how to work into a fascinating picture for the imagination to dwell upon ; but all the beauty and grace which he could portray would have no charm for us, if they were engaged in a heartless struggle with the benevolent impulses of our natures. Our aim should be to regulate, and not to annihilate, the emotions.
To the arguments of political economists, however,
BENEVOLENCE AND CHARITY. 99
some attention should be paid by the female world ; for the sympathies which reside in the breast of women pro- duce in them such an interest in the fate of every one over whom the shade of misfortune has thrown its gloom, that they are too apt to be guided in their charities more by sudden impulses of feeling, than by any act of judgment or of reason. Hence the most unworthy objects are up- held in their courses of deceit ; and the spirit of honest independence is weakened in its power of influencing the conduct of the lower orders, and enabling them to provide for old age and unforeseen misfortunes. Benevolence, therefore, and charity misapplied, may cause the down- fall of a state as readily as luxury or any other vice; for the moment a man can bring himself to receive an elee- mosynary offering," when his wants have not sunk him into the abyss of wretchedness attendant on extreme poverty, he loses his character of a citizen, and becomes a degraded, groveling slave.
MRS. L. — Of this I am aware ; and I believe that to give indiscriminately is like extravagance in any other branch of expenditure : — it limits the power to do all the good we desire.
MRS. B. — I do not think benevolence can be properly exerted, without devoting to it both time and trouble. The inquiry into every tale of distress should, if pos- sible, be the forerunner of the act to relieve. Imposition is too common not to render this needful ; and if it were more generally observed, it would prevent the disgust which the most charitable dispositions cannot but occa- sionally feel, when they discover that their alms and exer- tions have been misplaced. This is the chief mortifica- tion which benevolence has to experience ; but happily it is not sufficient to check its course, although it ought to renew its vigilance to secure against future deceptions. Indeed, it is a duty to society to unmask imposition when- ever it is discovered ; for it is melancholy to reflect, how
100 ADVANTAGES OF VISITING THE POOR.
large a portion of the community is lost to creditable society, by pursuing such unworthy practices ; and it is still more mortifying to discover that many, as 1 have already remarked, whom necessity might have urged to industry, have become idle, profligate, and paupers, from the facility with which they have obtained alms.
MRS. L.T-Visiting the 'houses of the poor I have alwayi found a good practice, as it enables one to judge of the real state of each family.
MRS. B. — This cannot readily be done by women in the metropolis, or in other great towns ; but in country residences the same objections do not exist, and it has so many advantages, that, where it can be effected, it should not be. omitted. Besides enabling you to form a proper opinion of the necessities of each case, it gives an oppor- tunity of advising and instructing the poor in cleanliness, industry, and general good management, in all of which they are too often extremely defective. Many instances have occurred, in which this occasional superintendence has produced more beneficial effects, than the gifts that accompanied the visits, by giving the poor, the creditable pride of being clean and industrious, and of bringing up their families in good and regular habits. It is not suffi- cient to send your servants to make inquiries, and to examine into any case of distress ; their report is seldom accurate, owing to their prejudices and feelings colouring too deeply their opinions.
The charitable institutions, which abound in almost every district, afford the means to do extensive good at a trifling expense. The lying-in charities ; and the societies for providing the poor with change of linen during illness, are excellent institutions, and extend relief from one end of the kingdom to another, without being too heavy an expense for any one. But I am not quite so great an admirer of those societies which are formed for clothing the poor. I believe much greater benefits would be con-
CLOTHING THE POOR. 101
ferred by teaching them, or at least their children, how to cut out and to make their own clothes. These arts are becoming almost unknown among the lower order ; and this, though it may chiefly be caused by the females being engaged in working at manufactories, has been increased by the ease with which they have procured from the charitable, ready supplies of every article of clothing. The object of charity should be to relieve and comfort those who labour under sickness and the infirmities of old age, or it should be directed in promoting the suitable education of the children of the poor. A woman who is compelled to make and repair the clothes of her family will be much more careful of them than one who imagines she can draw upon the treasury of benevolence for all her wants. To increase the knowledge of the poor, in every respect, is of importance ; for, although it be not easy to enlighten the individual who has journeyed through half his course of existence, in a state of ignorance, or to change the habits which years have strengthened and confirmed, yet, occasionally an instance may occur, in which instruction proves a blessing of far greater value than alms, producing such effects upon the welfare and habits of a family, as would result from no other cause ; and this should stimulate the benevolent in the good work, although they may meet with unconquerable difficulties in ninety-nine instances out of a hundred.
MRS. L. — I hope you do not consider that want of zeal in the cause of charity is a feature in the character of the women of the present day ?
MRS. B. — On the contrary, there is abundance of zeal displayed in every rank and circle of society. I only regret that so virtuous an impulse is not always properly directed, and comfort and relief bestowed in a proportion equal to the time and money expended. You must re- member that charity without judgment is like scattering seed in the ocean, where it sinks or is dissipated on the 9*
102 PRESENTS.
waves; but, with judgment, it is like seed sown in. "a friendly and fertile soil, which springs up in due season, and produces a thousand fold in return. In the first case, it is the ruin of individual independence, and of that honest pride which seeks to oppose industry and trugality to the pressure of necessity ; while, in the other, it is the blessing of Heaven, and the salvation of sinking virtue in the hour of adversity; and presents the sublimest trait in the human character.
MRS. L. — I entirely agree with you, and shall be soli- citous to regulate this part of my conduct with discretion ;. but it is very d iff cult, when the feelings are liable to be strongly excited, to summon our judgment at the moment we need its aid. We may lay down our system and re- solve to act upon it, but the impulse of an instant will often give it a death-blow. I wish how to hear your opinion on the custom of giving presents.
MRS. B. — Where presents are given merely because it is customary, I think the custom frequently proves a tax rather on our kind and friendly feelings than a gratification ; and, although we yield with apparent pleasure to it, yet, we often find it both inconvenient and burdensome. I met with an instance of this very lately, when visiting my friend Mrs. D. Among the younger branches of her family I heard many lively discussions on the absolute necessity of presenting gifts to a young friend who was on the point of marriage ; while, at the same time, it was unanimously regretted that these presents would deeply infringe upon their several allowances, and oblige them for some time to become niggardly both to themselves and others. The beauty and elegance of various baga- telles were described, and as each was solicitous to outvie the others in the superiority of her selection, I could per- ceive that ostentation gave a stronger impulse than friend- ship and affection to the transaction, and gained a decided victory over prudence and good sense. One member only
PRESENTS. 103
of this youthful group raised her voice against this waste of money. She readily foresaw how inadequate a gratifi- cation would be afforded by it, either to the receiver of the gifts, or the donors. " Only reflect," said she, " in how trifling a degree will Miss C. value our offerings, in comparison with those she will have from her relations and greater intimates. The value of theirs will be, of course, enhanced also by the proportionate claims upon her affection : she may perhaps be pleased with our pre- sents ; and after writing us a note of acknowledgment, will give our bijoux a place in her cabinet ; but, then, as far as she is concerned, there will he an end of it : while we, for twelve months to come, must pause to con- sider, before we purchase any article of dress, whether we can pay for it, and even then must choose what suits our finances rather than our taste ; and as to any act of bene- volence and kindness, from which you as well as myself do not altogether like to abstain, we must give that up entirely ; and who can tell how sincerely we may have reason to grieve at this present expenditure ?" This re- monstrance proved unavailing, and drew from the others only hackneyed replies, such as, " It will be so strange if we omit what is customary! — What will Miss C. think of us ? She will never again regard us as friends ; and I should not, for such a trifle, choose to lose a friend." The presents, therefore, were actually made, and the event almost fulfilled the prediction of the dissentient voice. She also was a fellow-sufferer, as she could not in this matter act singly in opposition to the majority of her family.
Such instances, I have no doubt, often occur where pe- cuniary circumstances are limited, and the ideas and habits are not conformable : in such cases, to be munificent and just, are incompatible ; and, in our cool moments, we can easily decide to which we ought to yield. Where an ample fortune, however, admits of this species of genero-
104 PRESENTS.
sity, who can condemn it ? It bespeaks an attention to the pleasures of others which is not always to be found among those who have too much the power of gratifying them- selves. When such gifts are bestowed with the desire to afford a few luxuries to an individual whose means may be insufficient to obtain them, the custom then wears the aspect of benevolence ; and if the presents are given in the spirit of kindness, they cannot but be well received. I think, also, that the little interchanges of presents between the members of a family are always pleasing, and afford a tacit assurance of the unchanged affection of each party.
Every mother should, in my opinion, encourage among her children little reciprocities of this kind, and accustom them to think of gratifying the tastes of one another more than their own. I have seen most enviable sensations depicted on the countenances of a little family, when, on a birth-day morning, each, with glee, presented his little gift to his sister, which had been secreted with difficulty for many days, in order the more to surprise her. This early cultivation of the social and benevolent affections is the source of much happiness both to the parent and the child in after-life, to say nothing of the agreeable recol- lections and associations it connects with the word home. Almost at any period of life these recollections have the power to withdraw the mind from present scenes, and to restore, though only in a trifling degree, and for a fleeting moment, that cheerful state of spirits which belongs pecu- liarly to childhood. - -^ .
MRS. L. — It is not so decidedly the fashion to make presents now as it was formerly. I have read and heanl of marriages and births being the signals for the display of the greatest generosity (or, as you would perhaps call it, ostentation) throughout a whole circle of relations and connections. How changeable, and yet how powerful for the time is fashion!
MRS. B. — So powerful, that besides governing our in-
INFLUENCE OF FASHION. 105
clinations, it may be said to subjugate our very reason. Fashion carries us, as it were, in a perpetual stream from which we make no attempt to rescue ourselves, but arc borne along through all its windings, and are drawn into all the shallows into which folly can pilot us. It does not regulate only the form of our gowns or the arrangement of our head-dress, but superior tastes and opinions are equally under its dominion. The works of art, however merito- rious, if not sanctioned by fashion are neglected, and the artists allowed to remain unknown. Fashion buzzes its criticisms abroad, and we all admire or condemn accord- ingly. 1 cannot avoid comparing this imitative influence on the majority of mankind to the gregarious principle which keeps together a flock of sheep, and induces them, heedlessly, to follow their leaders even to their own de- struction. You, perhaps, have never seen a flock of these harmless but necessary victims to our demands of sub- sistence driven to the shambles. When near the entrance of the slaughter-houses the poor animals instinctively shrink back, and refuse to enter ; but If the butcher drag one in by main force all the rest immediately follow. So powerful is the force of fashion in leading us into habits, which we are fully aware can terminate only in the ruin of our fortunes and the loss of our characters.
Opinion, too, is equally under the sway of this arbitrary power. There is hardly any thing of a public or a do- mestic nature that escapes it. Fashion, more frequently than good sense, makes us pronounce judgment on the conduct of our governors and legislators ; on our clergy and moralists; it regulates our table, frequently at the expense of prudence ; and, even, fills our nursery with systems which, with our judgments unbiassed, we should discard as unnatural and injurious. As you are just en- tering upon a new career, let me recommend you earnestly, not to abandon yourself to the guidance of this inconsistent deity. Conform in those things which are unimportant^
106 INFLUENCE OF FASHION.
and to deviate from which might give you the epithet of peculiar, but have your judgment in your own keeping, and think for yourself. Thus will you avoid inconsistency and errors which may not be easily retrieved ; thus, also, will you exercise and strengthen the best powers of your mind, and prepare yourself for the discharge of those im- portant duties by which you will find yourself surrounded as you proceed on the journey of life.
PART II.
HOUSEHOLD CONCERNS.
CONVERSATION I.
SERVANTS. — NUMBER. CHOICE OF. — FOOD OF. — MANAGE- MENT OF. CONDUCT TO. INDULGENCES TO. THE IM- PORTANCE OF EXAMPLE IN FIXING THEIR MORAL AND RELIGIOUS HABITS. SUITABLENESS OF DRESS IN SER- VANTS.— WAGES. — GIFTS FROM VISITERS. — QUALIFICA- TIONS REQUIRED IN A HOUSEKEEPER. — A COOK. — A
HOUSEMAID.- — A NURSERY . MAID. A LAUNDRESS. — A
FOOTMAN. — A PORTER. — METHOD OF HIRING SERVANTS, WHETHER FROM PRIVATE FAMILIES OR FROM REGISTER OFFICES. — GIVING AND RECEIVING CHARACTERS,
MRS. L. — My dear Madam, I am full of difficulties, and must apply to you for advice. At the very time in which I had reason to think myself blessed, and have been anti- cipating happiness almost without alloy, by becoming* the chosen companion for life of an estimable man, my mind is harassed and vexed by many annoying circumstances, and what provokes me too, is, that I have often censured other ladies when I have heard them complain of troubles similar to those which now disturb me : — the fact is, my servants are all going wrong. My youth, I suppose, tempts them to take every advantage of me ; and my inexperi- ence makes me dubious what course to pursue with them. T fancied that in securing servants for the various depart-
108 SERVANTS.
mcnts of my house, whose characters were good, and in giving them general orders, my part would be performed, and the whole business of the household would proceed in the same steady regular manner as in my father's house.
MRS. B. — Your time and thoughts were, I suppose, too much occupied, either with amusements or in adding to your various acquirements, to allow of your paying much attention to the system which regulated your former home. As all your wants were constantly supplied, and you saw yourself and others surrounded with every thing which comfort and elegance required, you, perhaps, never thought on the subject at all, and thus you are at this moment without that knowledge by which alone your family can be governed, and its comfort ensured. But tell me your difficulties, and let me see if 1 can give you a helping hand out of them.
MRS. L. — I have certainly been aware, that the business of my household has not been well conducted ; but I con- sidered that the servants were new and would improve ; yesterday, however, my patience was tried to the utmost degree. It was our first dinner-party, and I was, of course, naturally solicitous that every thing should be well and pleasantly arranged ; and I had, as 1 imagined, given due orders to all the domestics whose services were required. The greater part of the day I was out paying morning- visits, and returned only in time to dress for dinner. I tvas rather discouraged, as I passed the dining-room, to sec no preparation, but proceeded to my room without making any remarks. Soon after six our company arrived ; and, for half an hour, I wailed in patient expectation of hearing dinner announced : during this time both my husband and I exerted ourselves to keep conversation alive, and to make the time pass quickly, but still, in spite of ourselves and the politeness of our guests, a dead pause would now and fhen intervene, and these awful pauses I thought would
NUMBER OF SERVANTS. 109
annihilate me. After many an anxious look at the door, and frequent ringing of the bell, dinner was at length an- nounced ; and my spirits revived only, alas, to enable me to support more vexations. All the preparations had, evi- dently, been hastily made, — there were not enough of chairs for the guests ; the dishes were irregularly placed, and even some omitted ; the fish and soup were chilled, and had apparently been served some time ; the plates were cold, and the appearance of the whole dinner was entirely spoiled by the careless manner in which it had been pre- pared and arranged. I cast a look of despair at my hus- band, and was answered by one from him of disappoint ment ; however, I resolved not to suffer myself to be sub- dued by it, and I succeeded in throwing off my anxiety, and in scarcely appearing to notice the many unlucky cir- cumstances of the day. The next morning I repaired to the kitchen to make my reflections on the negligence of the preceding day ; when, to my utter astonishment, t was told by the cook that the dinner was excellently cooked, was quite hot, and was altogether such as no one could object to, who knew any thing about the matter. The men-servants were equally surprised at my censuring them, although they had shown themselves very careless, and, for want of method, had hurried about the room, jostling each other, and struggling for the possession of some one thing which had been just asked for. Many other complaints I could make, but it would tire you to hear them, as they are similar to those which have, I suppose, been often made by all young housekeepers.
MRS. B.— I have not the slightest doubt that all these difficulties will vanish in time. In the first place, I hope you have not too many servants, a greater evil, by far, than having too few. A numerous retinue may be gratifying to pride, but waste and disorder generally accompany it, proving injurious to comfort as well as to fortune. Hence the common saying that such a family is eaten up by its ser- 10
1 10 FOOD OP SERVANTS.
vants. It is better for servants to have too much employ- ment than too little ; because, for want of resources, and the inclination to employ themselves usefully and innocently, much leisure assists in corrupting them. If idleness only allowed time for the indulgence of weak and frivolous propensities, the evil would be great ; but it does more ; it opens a wide passage for the ingress of vicious habits. When neither the powers of the mind nor those of the body are usefully employed, moral irregularities must be the consequence.
MRS. L. — But should not the contrary extreme be also avoided ? We should all be spiritless and discontented, if we had not some portion of time allotted for relaxation. A seasonable suspension of our regular employments tends to make us return to them with pleasure, and with re- newed vigour.
MRS. B. — That is most true ; and every benevolent mind will seek to render service as far remote as possible from slavery, by promoting, in a reasonable degree, the comfort of their dependants ; and this being done, the right is increased by which you may exact from them the strictest discharge of their duties. Let us examine to what degree this attention to their comforts should extend.
Their meals should be at regular and early hours; their food plain, substantial, and good. Butcher's meat once a day is the general allowance for servants in the establish- ments of those of moderate fortunes, with cheese for supper. The cook, however, should be desired to reserve such pieces of cold meat as would not be sent into the dining- room, for the supper of the men-servants, which, now and then, will prevent the cutting up of a large piece of cheese, and be also a more wholesome and nutritious meal. Some good housekeepers are agreed, that it is more economical to allow meat than cheese for supper ; perhaps the chief difference in expense arises from the circumstance that more meat can be eaten at a meal than cheese.
POOD OF SERVANTS. Ill
A pint of good beer for the men, and half that quantity for the women servants, at each meal, is a very sufficient allowance. A restriction in quantity is perhaps necessary where there are men-servants, lest they should be inclined to indulge too freely in drinking : but the allowance should be sufficient, or the temptation to obtain more may be too great for them to resist. Enough of every thing essential should be allowed to our servants, that their strength may be supported. They cannot work well, unless they have food enough, and this with me is a sufficient argument against board wages, which seldom supply them with more than a very moderate portion of food, besides increasing the inducements to obtain by dishonest means an additional allowance of the essentials of life. I cannot help fancying that servants on board wages betray the fact, by the want of contented countenances and cheerful spirits.
Formerly in the houses of the great, and even now in some families of distinction, the upper domestics — the steward, butler, valet, housekeeper, and lady's maid, — had their own table, called the second table ; but of late years this has been generally abolished, and, in the present day, all the domestics dine at one table in the servants' hall. The other meals of the higher servants are taken in the housekeeper's room. The under men-servants retain the use of the servants' hall when their employments are ended, and the maid-servants, when their active duties are over, resort with their sewing to the upper housemaid's room. In well ordered families the men and maid ser- vants never sit in the same apartment except during dinner.
In such families the men have a pint of ale each at dinner, and the women half a pint each. There are no families, except perhaps the very highest, in which wine is allowed to the upper servants.
The nurse-maids, again, have all their meals quite dis- tinct from the other servants, and are in all respects com- pletely separated from thenu
112 SICK SERVANTS.
MRS. L.— In case of illness among our servants what ought we to do ?
MRS. B.r— In illness, immediate attention and medical advice should be afforded to them, and the healthy servants, generally, should be encouraged to pay as much attention as their time will permit, to their invalid fellow -servants. Unless the state of the family and the nature of the dis- ease peculiarly demand it, 1 think that it is cruel to send a sick servant either to poor, confined, and dirty lodgings, where poverty and misery stare him in the face, at the very moment he needs those comforts which his master's house might have afforded him, or to have him carried into an hospital, where, finding himself surrounded by fellow- sufferers, in various stages of disease and mortal decay, his heart sinks within him at the sight, and his recovery is, perhaps, retarded by the gloomy impression made on his mind. A little expense, a little inconvenience in the family, and a little feeling shown by a master or mistress to a sick servant, would generally be well bestowed, and might be equally well repaid by his future faithful services.
MRS. L. — I am surprised to hear you hint any censure on hospitals ; I have always thought that, in case of the illness of a domestic or of any poor neighbour, an hospital is the very best place to which he can be sent.
MRS. B. — It is far from my intention to object to hos- pitals generally ; on the contrary, there are many cases that could not receive the same degree of attention, ov have such advantages in medical consultation, as in the hospitals, where also, I believe, great care is bestowed on the comfort of every patient, and convalescence is pro- moted by good nursing. But, by the observation I had previously made, I did not mean to extend the censure be- yond the cases of servants who are, too frequently, sent from the habitations of splendour and luxury, into such dissimilar scenes; and sent, too, when their spirits are feast able to endure the reverse. But while 1 recommend
INDULGENCES TO SERVANTS. 1 13
every kindness to be shown to your domestics during illness, I should not neglect to caution you against listening, too frequently, to all their little complaints. There is not, perhaps, any class of people more fanciful, or inclined to imagine themselves more indisposed than they really are, than the one of which we are speaking. When a servant, however, falls into disease, the master is not only bound to see that he is properly attended and nursed ; but the expense of such attendance is as much a debt of his own as are the sums incurred for the maintenance of the servant. Nothing displays greater meanness than obliging a servant to defray the expense of medical attendance out of his wages.
MRS. L. — Some indulgences should be, I suppose, oc- casionally allowed to servants independent of those which sickness demands.
MRS. B. — Visiting their relations and friends now and then, but not too frequently, and only when it suits the convenience of the family, can scarcely be denied them ; but I think it unfortunate that Sunday should be the most convenient day on which this indulgence is generally granted them. It makes that a day of dissipation which ought at least to be one of rest ; and by those who have a true regard to the best interests of their fellow-creatures, it must be considered as the right season for encouraging in their dependants habits of reflection and attention to their religious duties. If there is time to visit, there must be also time to attend public service ; and if the preceding week has been spent in active employments, the mere rest of the body, and the occupying the mind by suitable reading, ought to be sufficient to make Sunday pass agree- ably and peacefully. But, unhappily, one of two evils prevails in most families ; either Sunday is the day on which company is invited, and the fatigue to the servants thereby increased, or it is rendered a time of emancipation to them from useful restraint. They exhaust their wages 10*
1 14 VISITS OF SERV
in order to dress immoderately; they frequently fatigue themselves to such a degree, as to render them feeble and listless over the employments of the succeeding day ; and rather than undergo the penance of a quiet day at home, I hare known them expose themselves to such inclement weather that violent and serious colds have ensued, I cannot help wishing that the visiting of servants could be allowed on any other day, and that Sunday should become a day of rest :— that all worldly employments should be suspended as much as possible, and by an established rou- tine, mat every servant in each household should nave the privilege of attending public worship, at least once, on that day. This would be a good rule for a young house- keeper to establish, yet I would not be so strict as to say H ought never to be broken, nor to deny a servant on any particular occasion to visit his friends on a Sunday. Good as the rule is, the breach of it now and then, can do little barm ; while too much strictness might disgust those whom we desire to encourage and establish in good habits.
MRS. L. — One reason for permitting servants ID visit their friends on Sunday rather than any other day may he owing to then* friends being rally occupied with their labours throughout the week ; and, consequently, unable to receive them except on Sunday.
MRS. B. — There is much reason in your remark, which proves the necessity of submitting to circumstances when we cannot control them.
MRS. L. — What inconveniences are likely to arise from permitting servants to receive the visits of their friends ?
MRS. B. — There are many ; and these quite sufficient to induce the mistress of a family only to allow it in a very limited degree. To forbid it altogether is to tempt your servants to deceive you ; and, therefore, I advise you to prohibit any visit beyond a call from their friends, unless they request your permission, upon the occasion of to see them from a
DRESS OF FEMALE SERVANTS.
•.hern for a longer period. In some bouses great incon- venience has been incurred from the negligent indulgence of the beads of the family on this point. Dishonest prac- tices, to a great extent, have been carried on through the medium of the visiters of servants; for, in a laige town, the character of each servant's connections can scarcer/ be known, and sometimes those are admitted into a house, who, from their practices, deserve nothing less than a jail. If this inconvenience did not exist, another of some im- portance to people of small fortune should not be forgot- ten, for, by permitting the unlimited visits of the friends of servants, the rapid consumption of some of the sub- stantial articles of good cheer would be unnecessarily ex- travagant This is, indeed, sufficient to warn the wary housekeeper against such indulgences.
MRS. L.— Is not some greater indulgence to be allowed when a servant has proved his fidelity by many years' service?
MRS. 6.— That appears only reasonable, but I think the indulgence to such a servant should be of a different nature, or you will render the rest of your domestics envious and discontented ; and yet a proper tribute of the approbation of his master and mistress should be bestowed upon him in consideration of his fidelity. The best re- ward, perhaps, in a case of this kind, is a small sum de- posited in the name of the servant in a savings' bank, which may serve as a nucleus, upon which he may accu- mulate future savings.
MRS. L.— Would it not be desirable to restrain the love of dress in female servants?
MRS. B.— Suitableness of dress, is a point on which our maid-servants require frequent admonition. Tbe cheapness of the various articles of dress, affords them the means of gratify ing their vanity ; and it seems incumbent on mistresses to point out to them bow injurious this vanity is to their best interests : bow it prevents their being able
1 16 DBESS OP FEMALE SERVANTS.
to accumulate even a small sum, by which their prospects in after life might be improved ; and how much better they would appear in a dress proper for their station and employments, than in one which only betrays a vain at- tempt to imitate their superiors, and which, after all, ren- ders vulgarity only more obvious. Cleanliness and neat- ness, however, should be enforced.
MRS. L. — What do you consider an appropriate dress for female servants ?
MRS. B. — This inquiry embraces two considerations : (he first, concerning the material ; the second, the form or style of dress appropriate for female domestics. With regard to the first, I should say that silk and muslin gowns, lace trimmings, worked muslin, silk stockings, and silk aprons, are all imitations of those above their own rank, which should be discouraged, if not positively forbidden in our attendants. Equally unsuitable are feathers, flowers, lace-caps, ear-rings, and neck-laces. With respect to the second, I am of opinion, that all ornamental appendages to that attire which is intended for utility chiefly, are im- proper in a female domestic. Perhaps these observations may not be requisite for the guidance of those who know the world well ; but a young mistress should be informed that the female domestic who wishes to' render her person particularly attractive, or her dress fashionable, is a dan- gerous inmate ; and cannot be supposed to have her mind sufficiently engrossed in her duties to perform them faith- fully. Yet I would by no means infer that it is not de- sirable to women, in every scale of society, to cherish some* pride of appearance ; the desire of being neatly, and even tastefully attired, is as natural and commendable in the humble servant, as in the more distinguished mem- bers of society. The notion that it does not signify how negligent or unbecoming their garments may be, would introduce slovenliness and uncleanliness around us : but to this the domestics of the present day are less inclined than
WAGES. 117
10 an expenditure more profuse than their means, on the luxuries, instead of the necessaries of dress. It becomes, then, the duty of every mistress, to point out to her female servants the propriety of plainness in their habiliments ; and, if her instructions be not regarded, to make extrava- gance, in this respect, a serious objection to retaining them in her service. The head of a family who engages a female servant without warning her of her disapprobation of unsuitable dress, cannot be surprised if her servants should take advantage of her indifference and omission. A few hints, delivered in a kind, and not peremptory man- ner, might suggest to a female servant that the following materials of dress are the most suitable to her situation, and only can be permitted. Muslin, not lace-caps ; cotton and stuff gowns, and petticoUs of the same texture; shawls of a durable, but not of a brilliant colour ; and bo nets of straw, which may be cleaned and turned. Occasional commendations of a simple, yet creditable style of dress, may be, in many instances, extremely use- ful, as our inferiors sometimes place great value on such proofs of approbation.
MRS. L. — What wages are usually given to servants ? ' MRS. B. — Wages vary in different places. The